


Together As We Grow

by Seigetsu_Ren



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny, POV Alternating, POV Third Person Limited, Unreliable Narrator, Yukina struggles to understand people herself included, one-sided lisayuki, rest of roselia makes brief appearances
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-14
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-09-18 02:51:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16986756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seigetsu_Ren/pseuds/Seigetsu_Ren
Summary: Sayo cannot accept the love she holds. Yukina doesn't understand what is love. Lisa struggles with how to leave her love behind.





	1. Finding Myself In You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is written in third-person limited narration, with each chapter's viewpoint focused on a different character. The viewpoint character of the first chapter is Sayo. The three chapters are presented in largely chronological order. For example, with the exception of occasional flashbacks, events that take place in chapter two will follow after those of chapter one.

Hikawa Sayo wasn’t a fan of popular media, but it wasn’t as though she lived on a deserted island. She had heard and seen enough TV soaps to understand that when people were romantically attracted to each other, they might experience a rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, and display a full-blown blush. It sounded to her like the symptoms of a heat injury.

It wasn’t that she completely rejected the notion of romantic love; her parents were a happy couple, so this did convince Sayo that a married life might be a wonderful thing if done right. She was just skeptical that it would ever happen to her, at least not in the way portrayed in dramas and literature. She didn’t know many members of the opposite sex, seeing as she had attended unisex schooling all her life, but of those she knew, like the brothers of classmates or staff at CiRCLE, none had ever made her heart pound. Well…even she knew the heart-pounding thing was probably an exaggeration, but she honestly felt indifferent towards them. Sure, some were conventionally attractive, tall and strong with well-defined features, but her judgement was simply objective. It never affected how she felt around them. And don’t get her started on those girls who daydreamed getting married to an actor. The ridiculousness of the whole idea aside, Sayo found that nine times out of ten, the actresses who played as the actors’ love interests were far more pleasing to the eyes.

Perhaps it was because she was a girl. They often said that girls didn’t have as much of that…drive…when it came to these things. Her nosy relatives had nothing but praise for her focus on academics and extracurriculars instead of dating. They assured that once she was older and ready to start a family, the right man would come along. The looks were not important. So long as he was hardworking and responsible, he would make a good father.

But did a good father make a good husband? Would any man who was hardworking and responsible make a good husband? Sayo remained skeptical, but she didn’t think too hard about it. She was still young. If she really wanted to think ahead a little, she’d rather get started on her plans for post-secondary education.

Her musings on romance were tossed to the back of her mind. It was merely a topic of gossip amongst the other students at school. She didn’t care to join her classmates anyway, so surely, this concept would not pertain to her…

The day this theory shattered was the day she broke from her former band.

Sayo had started learning the guitar because it was something Hina hadn’t dabbled in. She practised and practised with hopes of mastering the instrument so that one day she could show to her family, and the entire world, that there was something she could do better than Hina, something that belonged to her and Hina couldn’t steal. But the best guitarists didn’t play alone. No matter how great the sound of a solo guitar was, it could not beat the sound of a guitar in a well-balanced band. That was the only reason Sayo decided to join a band too. But one after another, she joined and quitted. This most recent one might have been her fifth or sixth – she hadn’t really kept track. They were all the same to her – children playing with instruments as though they were toys, never finding the dedication or ambition to advance their skills. She couldn’t even get herself to call today’s performance “music”. It was a train-wreck. The drums weren’t keeping tempo, the bass missed almost an entire line, the keyboardist tripped on her own fingers more times than she could count, and the vocalist’s high notes sounded like scratching on a blackboard. And this wasn’t even the first time it happened. They sounded like that in their last live, three weeks ago. Three weeks and no improvement whatsoever. There was absolutely no excuse for that kind of behaviour. They simply weren’t practising, and when Sayo confronted them about this, they deflected the blame to schoolwork and the like. It was pathetic. But Sayo wasn’t exactly angry at them, though one of them did seem quite angry at her in return. Sayo never had high hopes for them anyway. She just felt annoyed now that she had to go looking for another band again.

It was then that she was approached by a girl about her own age. Minato Yukina, she introduced. She had quite the striking looks, what with the silken silver hair and bright golden eyes. But Sayo couldn’t really get herself to appreciate those looks at the moment, nor could she even concentrate on what Minato-san was saying. She had wasted enough time with her old band that she honestly didn’t have any more to spend on another pointless conversation. Minato-san was inviting her to form a band together, claiming she had both the skills and determination to rival Sayo. They all said the same and look what she had always ended up with? Sayo sighed. Fine, she could at least watch Minato-san’s performance. It wasn’t as though honing her skills alone would have any meaning if she couldn’t play on a decent band.

That was her mistake.

Once Minato-san’s voice sounded, there was no way Sayo could look away from her anymore. She was shining so bright, so searing; she was a star. Sayo held a hand to her chest. Her heart wasn’t pounding hard like the romance novels would describe, but there was a strange feeling, a yearning, a desire. She soon realized what it was. If she could, she wished the stage and everything else would just disappear so that Minato-san and she would be here alone, and the dazzling beauty she was seeing would solely belong to her.

She was in love.

“Please let me join your band!” Sayo had answered Minato-san after the performance. It was the obvious course of action – she had fallen in love with Minato-san’s _music_ after all.

Yes, of course it had just been the music. There was no way it could’ve been the person. She didn’t know Minato-san personally, and though she was rather gorgeous, Sayo had not been captivated until she started singing. So, it had to have been the music. And Sayo would never, never be the vain type of person to fall in love with a pretty face alone.

Then why was she feeling like this now?

The bus rolled along another couple meters before stopping again. They had already been stuck on this highway out of Ibaraki for an hour, the end of the congested traffic nowhere in sight. Cars sandwiched them from all sides. Shirokane-san had checked the news on her smartphone and said that a truck carrying dangerous chemicals had flipped somewhere ahead – they were waiting for the cleanup to finish, which would be who knows how long?

At some point, Minato-san had dozed off; Imai-san said she had stayed up late working on a new song last night, something she should’ve refrained from seeing that they had an out-of-town live this morning. But Minato-san’s work schedule had always been sporadic. It all depended on when the inspiration came. There were days when the ideas were dry, and they would witness Minato-san just lying there spacing out at the ceiling. To make up for the lost time, she would write whenever she could, even if that meant at an ungodly hour like 3 am.

This was all fine and good until Minato-san, in deep slumber, had decided to rest her head on Sayo’s shoulder. Sayo tried hard to ignore the warmth that was seeping through at their point of contact. Minato-san’s hair was long; it fell down Sayo’s exposed arm, soft and pleasant to touch. Sayo felt the urge to run her fingers through the lengths, but when she realized just how inappropriate the thought was, she instead landed her hand on Minato-san’s shoulder.

“Minato-san?” Sayo called, but her voice was far too quiet to wake Minato-san, not that she really had the conviction to do so.

When Minato-san didn’t respond, Imai-san - who had been seated on her other side - wrapped an arm around her to pull her away from Sayo. At this movement, Minato-san’s eyes slowly opened, revealing a confused gaze.

“…Lisa?”

“Here, I’ll let you borrow my shoulder instead. You were bothering Sayo, you know?”

“Un.” Minato-san mumbled something incoherent, probably some form of affirmation, and compliantly rested her head on Imai-san’s shoulder instead.

Sayo looked away.

She couldn’t understand what she was feeling. She had been bothered by Minato-san resting on her just a moment ago…right? Then why - now that Minato-san was no longer “bothering” her - was she feeling so…hollow? It was as though she had missed a meal, her stomach churning with nothing but acid.

Sour. The feeling was so sour. She hadn’t felt exactly like this before, but if she were to compare it to a previous experience, it would be like all those times when Hina took up one of her beloved interests on a whim and, in a matter of days, shown off just how much better she had become, leaving Sayo to eat her dust.

Was she _jealous_ of Imai-san?

Sometimes Sayo would dream, those dreams probably a reflection of all the pointless thoughts she didn’t want to admit to whenever she let down her guard and her mind wandered. In those dreams, she’d see Minato-san. Minato-san in her house studying, writing a song, practicing…Minato-san going to a music store on an off-day, Minato-san going to the park to visit stray kittens. Most of the time, the Minato-san in her dreams would be bearing a serious, determined expression, but other times she’d be smiling, so delicately that it was precious just to bear witness to it. And then, those dreams would end with the appearance of Imai-san. It turned out that the one Minato-san had been smiling to had been Imai-san all along.

Imai-san was the one closest to Minato-san.

Whenever Sayo wondered what Minato-san was doing, there would always be the possibility that Minato-san was talking to Imai-san. They could be together at school. They could be together visiting a café. They could be together because Imai-san had climbed onto Minato-san’s balcony and Minato-san had begrudgingly let her in.

If not, then maybe Minato-san was thinking about Imai-san. Even if not that, then surely, at the very least, Imai-san would be the one to know what Minato-san was doing and thinking, not Sayo.

Sayo was far away. Minato-san would never be thinking of her. The only time Sayo would come up in Minato-san’s thoughts would be when she envisioned Sayo’s playing in their next song.

If only she could be like Imai-san. If only she could come into the studio calling Minato-san by her given name, grabbing her by the arm and feeding her cookies while she protested half-heartedly. That was impossible, she knew. So, she could settle for less.

If only Minato-san would just look at her.

“…Sayo? Sayo?”

Sayo’s eyes snapped open. She was still inside the bus they had taken from Ibaraki, but it had gotten dark outside, the scenery now recognizable to her. They were back in their hometown. The bus had been emptied, leaving just Imai-san and herself. The others were waiting outside.

“I thought it would just be Yukina but didn’t know Sayo would doze off too. Did you have a good nap?”

Imai-san was smiling at her, offering a hand to help her get up. Sayo brushed it away.

Why did she do that?

Imai-san gave an awkward smile. It made Sayo feel horrible about what she had done. Still, she was too proud to apologize. She just stood up by herself and averted gaze from Imai-san. “Thank you for your concern. I am fine.”

Sayo convinced herself that she was not jealous of Imai-san specifically, but the close friendship between Imai-san and Minato-san. Sayo never had many friends because of her personality. Whenever she concentrated on something, she’d put everything into it, not wasting time on popular pastimes like watching movies or shopping for trendy clothes and accessories. It gave her a gap with her classmates; few were even comfortable talking to her. But Minato-san accepted her. Minato-san praised her efforts. It must be because of this that Sayo wanted to be close friends with Minato-san, the way Imai-san was. That must be all.

Sayo usually wasn’t the indulgent kind of person, but she figured that though she might have ulterior motives, befriending her bandmates was not in itself a bad thing. Minato-san used to say that friendship was unnecessary in Roselia but had recently found it an irreplaceable ingredient for propelling their music to greater heights. This was why Sayo started accepting Imai-san’s invitations to go shopping together, often with Minato-san in the tow. But whenever the three of them hung out together, Sayo would always gravitate towards Minato-san. At first, she didn’t notice it. It was until one time when they visited a café. Sayo had led the way to their table, following close to the waitress, but once they arrived, she stood to the side in wait for Minato-san to sit first. Imai-san looked a little perplexed. “Why don’t you sit down, Sayo?” And it was then that Sayo realized she had intended to wait so she could sit beside Minato-san, not Imai-san. The revelation made her self-conscious of all their interactions. Was she walking by Minato-san’s side too much? What if Minato-san caught on and thought she was acting weird? What if Minato-san _misunderstood_ her feelings and interpreted it as an…unnatural, improper attraction?

Sayo didn’t know what she feared more, that Minato-san would misunderstand her, or that it was no misunderstanding in the first place.

She had to control herself. She did not want to contemplate exactly what were those feelings she had for Minato-san, but whatever they were, she could not let anybody know about them. Professionalism was the core of Roselia. If she let this be and it started hindering her performance, she would be ejected from the band. She could not let that happen. She would not admit that her greatest fear was being abandoned by Minato-san; instead, she attributed her conviction to stay to her iron-will to one day surpass Hina on the guitar.

As she tried to change her behaviour, she garnered the concerned glances from her bandmates. She ignored them. They did not know what she was going through, but she knew, and this was the only way she could fix things before it got too late.

“Sayo?”

Ah. Minato-san was speaking to her.

Sayo tried to maintain her composure. “What is it, Minato-san? Is it a problem with my performance? I am aware my precision has been poor today; I apologize, and I promise to practise more tonight.”

“You were slow on one transition in the last song we practised, but it was minor and I figured you had already noticed and would fix it in the next practice run. But that is not what I wanted to talk about.”

There was a tense feeling in Sayo’s chest. Fear. She took a breath and held it a little longer to calm herself before speaking again.

“Then what can I do for you?”

“I just want to know if something is bothering you lately.”

Sayo searched a way to respond. If she answered “nothing”, Minato-san would likely press on.

“I am sorry this has become noticeable and might have caused you inconvenience, Minato-san. The truth is, an archery tournament is coming up and I have lost some sleep over it. I should have done better at managing my own condition. Please forgive me for my immaturity.”

There was a moment of silence as Minato-san’s gaze bore into Sayo. She tried her best to meet it sternly, but found it difficult, the golden colour of Minato-san’s eyes seemed to intensify as the gaze turned almost to an accusatory glare.

“Fine, if you insist on such an explanation,” Minato-san said in the end.

Minato-san was an enigma Sayo would never understand. The most personal thing she knew about Minato-san was her hopeless love for cats, something that quickly became obvious to anybody who had more than a couple conversations with her. Minato-san said she wanted to understand her band members more, recently developing a habit of soliciting their opinions whenever she could, even on subjects as random as what they ate for lunch. But for all she did to try and understand them, she never tried to be understood in return. The only time she would talk about herself was when apologizing for letting her personal matters affect the band; they would otherwise never know about her father and how she devoted herself to music in hopes of inspiring him to perform again. There could be only one explanation for this: that she did not care for them beyond being members of Roselia. Her interactions with them was to improve their performance. That was her only goal.

Why then did she seem angry just now? Even if she could tell that Sayo’s archery tournament explanation had been a lie, did it matter? She even admitted that it was not affecting Sayo’s performance, so why should she care?

A few days later, Minato-san asked Sayo for help with writing their new song.

“I have been working on a guitar verse but it sounds satisfactory at best. I think it is missing something. Can I get your opinion on it after practice?”

“I would be more than willing to help, Minato-san.”

“Good. Then let’s head to my place after we’re done here.”

Sayo froze. “Would Imai-san be coming too?”

“Lisa?” Minato-san looked confused. “Well…I think she said she has a shift at the convenience store today. Why?”

Sayo struggled for an explanation. “Wouldn’t it be better if we wait for a day when she is available so she could give her opinion too?”

Sayo knew her explanation sounded weak, but she didn’t expect Minato-san’s gaze to turn to the same glare she had given her a few days ago. In fact, it had gotten worse. She could not find a shred of intent of Minato-san backing down this time.

“I am asking for your opinion. This has nothing to do with Lisa.”

“…that is not what I meant…”

“Have you been avoiding me, Sayo?”

Sayo had never seen Minato-san wear such an expression. It was a subtle change, a slight furrow of her brows or the way she clenched her teeth just a bit tighter, but it was enough for Sayo to discern her emotion – the first time she had ever been able to do so. Minato-san had been angry because she was hurt. Sayo had hurt her.

Sayo didn’t even fathom the possibility.

She bowed her head so she could take her eyes away from Minato-san’s gaze. The question she asked was one Sayo could not answer honestly, so all she could do was to apologize.

“I am very sorry for making you feel this way.”

There was a pause before Sayo heard Minato-san turn and walk away.

“Whatever. Keep doing what you want. It’s not as though it matters anyway.”

The incident soon faded to the background as they busied themselves with preparations for their next live. Minato-san usually did not compromise on the quality of their music and this time was no exception, perhaps even upping expectations further, as impossible as that seemed to be. Rumours were, a judge for next year’s Future World Fes would be in attendance. It was no wonder why Minato-san would be so concerned; the Fes was her only goal and she would never lose sight of it over some petty exchange with her guitarist.

Practice had been intense. They increased the frequency of their group practices from eight times a week to twelve, before and after school on weekdays, and day-long practices on weekends. Every other moment that Sayo wasn’t doing schoolwork, she spent practising alone, running through their setlist until she could almost play it perfect backwards. And all their hard work paid off. There was nothing to pick about their performance as of late. Simply impeccable. Even Imai-san, who was most often the one struggling to catch up to the others, had gotten down her parts to perfection. Every note was as precise as a digital recording. The tempo, the volume, the timbre – every single run-through of the songs sounded exactly the same, exactly as they were meant to sound. Sayo should’ve been proud of this accomplishment, but such pride evaded her. She buried herself in practice not because she thought herself inadequate, for once. She just didn’t want to think about why her fire, her passion, had burnt so low lately.

The day of their live finally arrived. Before they set off for the stage, Minato-san gave her usual speech.

“We have practised hard. Believe in the fruits of our labour.”

Sayo nodded. As long as she didn’t think so hard, fell back to the hours and hours of practice, she would be just fine. She ignored the stage before her. She ignored the crowds below. She looked at nothing but the frets and strings of her instrument, tuned down the sounds of her peers till they became no more than a metronome for her to match her own.

Minato-san’s voice, the one she had once fallen in love with, became little more than a whisper, the words she sung carried little meaning. She was afraid of looking Minato-san’s way, of trying to discern what thoughts, what emotions she was giving voice to. They were standing on the same stage, on each other’s side but not _beside_ each other. They just so happened upon the same path to the same goal, but their reasons would never find consensus, and so they would not be walking ahead _together_.

The performance ended in largely success. Sayo only paid attention to her own playing so she could hardly speak for the others, but she at least had not made a single mistake throughout the show. They retreated backstage where Minato-san gave a curt “Good work. We will discuss our performance further tomorrow during practice” before they set off to change out of their costumes. When Sayo came out of the change room in her street clothes, she found Minato-san talking to the man she recognized as the rumoured judge of next year’s Fes.

“Sayo, let me introduce you to Kawakami Ichirou-san. Ichirou-ojisan works for one of the main sponsors of the Fes. He is a good friend of my father’s and was the keyboardist on his band.”

The man extended his hand to shake Sayo’s. They exchanged brief greetings.

“As I was saying to Yukina-chan earlier, your performance tonight was spectacular. You should feel proud of yourselves.”

“Thank you.”

The man’s smile softened as he seemed to have descended into some pleasant thoughts. “Your sound was so nostalgic. Brings me back to the old days I spent with Ryuunosuke and the others. Oh, not sure if you already know this Sayo-chan, but Ryuunosuke is Yukina-chan’s father.”

Sayo nodded out of politeness. She didn’t care for the contents of this conversation. She didn’t dare to care for any of it.

But Minato-san was engrossed. “My father’s and your work has been my inspiration. I was deeply touched when I first heard you perform, and it has become my motivation to use this sound to speak to my father in hopes that he would play again one day.”

“Oh?” The man looked surprised, followed by a little awkwardness. “That’s a noble goal, but I really don’t think Ryuunosuke will play again. I hope I am wrong though…”

At this, Minato-san stiffened. Her tone took on an edge as she demanded an explanation from Kawakami-san.

“Why?”

“Ryuunosuke quit because his ideas ran dry. He couldn’t compose music anymore, so…”

“It was because of the agency that forced him into incorporating nonsensical elements to his music in hopes it’d sell better! It ruined his chances at the Fes…it ruined him…”

Minato-san looked to be on the verge of tears. Sayo wondered if she would’ve already cried right then and there if not for her presence.

The man moved closer to Minato-san but paused at arm’s reach. He looked conflicted, but after some contemplation, spoke again gently.

“Did Ryuunosuke really tell you that? The agency ruined him?”

After a long silence, Minato-san finally answered.

“No.”

“I see.”

He looked at her with a gaze that seemed to convey a genuine concern. “I think it’s better for you to hear it directly from him. But I can tell you this much: humans change. Humans grow. Music is the language of our hearts. If our music cannot grow with our changing hearts, then it will fail us. Even if you try to cling onto feelings from the past, the music that is composed as a result will only become stale. Your sound right now is wonderful, Yukina-chan, but one day it will not be enough.”

Was their music becoming stale? Was that why Sayo’s passion was fading away?

Minato-san’s music had spoken so deeply to her the first time she heard it. So powerful yet simultaneously fragile – she felt in Minato-san a pain from the past and an insecurity for the present, but also a steel conviction towards her future. It resonated with Sayo. She would watch Minato-san during their performances, watched as she tossed her arms out like the voice she projected, leaned on the mic stand to gaze the lights above as softer notes reached for a height that was still beyond them. At first, she had been contented just supporting her from the side, holding her up like a jewel to the sunlight. But at some point, it had become insufficient.

She wanted more, though she knew she didn’t deserve it. Who was she to demand from Minato-san something she wouldn’t even admit to desiring in the first place?

It did not stop the sickening feeling in her guts when she got Minato-san’s text message that said their next practice was cancelled, the date for the one after that left undecided. Sayo didn’t know whether Minato-san had relayed to the others exactly why she was doing this; she wouldn’t be surprised if Minato-san hadn’t, leaving the others in the dark just like the time she nearly abandoned Roselia for a deal to go to the Fes alone. That time, Minato-san had decided to continue with Roselia as a band, but that was just so they could all reach their individual goals. If Minato-san found that her own goal had been wrong all along, it only made sense for her to quit.

There was no reason for Sayo to feel as though she had been betrayed.

It was stupid of her to have hoped that Minato-san would have found a new goal based on their bond together. What bond would that be? Of course, it would be inexistent when they could not understand each other, and even when Minato-san tried, all Sayo did was to push her away.

Sayo barely heard the doorbell ring; so deep was she in her thoughts. It was followed by some chatter, then footsteps up the stairs. Soon after came her mother’s voice from the hall just outside her bedroom.

“Sayo, your friend Minato-san is here to see you.”

Sayo opened her door, and sure enough, there beside her mother stood Minato-san. Minato-san nodded her head politely. “Sorry for intruding, unannounced no less. There is something I would like to discuss with you in-person.”

“Alright, please come in and have a seat.”

Minato-san sat down on one of the cushions beside the low table. Sayo slowly closed the door, trying to sort through her feelings at Minato-san’s unexpected arrival. She finally walked over to take a seat across from Minato-san.

“I guess you already know what I want to discuss right, Sayo?”

At this, Sayo could only nod. “Is this about the matter from yesterday’s live?”

“Indeed.”

Sayo couldn’t quite believe Minato-san would want to discuss this deeply personal matter with her, of all people.

“Have you already spoken to Imai-san about this?”

“No.”

“Then…why me? Because I was present when Kawakami-san was speaking to you?”

“Because you are my first band member, and I care about what you think.”

Minato-san did not even hesitate. Her gaze never wavered.

Sayo was speechless for a moment, all the bitterness that had fueled her just a moment ago deflated and she was left grasping for any other way to keep control of this conversation. She couldn’t find it.

“Then…what is it exactly that you want to tell me, Minato-san?”

“First of all, I am sorry.” Sayo looked up to see Minato-san’s gaze had softened, looking off to something behind Sayo. Minato-san often looked older than she really was; the way she held herself made it seem like she possessed none of their adolescent uncertainties about the future, walking forward with an absolute vision of where she was headed. But now, she looked like the teenage girl she was, that Sayo was. She struggled to find her words. “What Ichirou-ojisan said made me waver. I didn’t want to believe it. But I found out it was true last night.”

Sayo cursed the table separating them. She slid her hand across it but stopped short of touching Minato-san’s.

“Did you speak with your father last night?”

Minato-san nodded. “I did, and he said Ichirou-ojisan was right. I was the one who decided for myself that the failure at the Fes was what ruined my father. I never had the guts to ask him directly. I guess a part of me was afraid that…my father isn’t the perfect idol I’ve always looked up to; that he was the one who chose to give up and no matter what I do, he wouldn’t take up music again.”

Sayo didn’t know what to say. She pondered comforting Minato-san with reassurances or giving advice with whatever little knowledge she had about the situation. But that was likely not what Minato-san was looking for, right? If that was what she had wanted, she would’ve gone to Imai-san already.

What was it that only Sayo could give to her?

It was not pity. Not mindless praises. But the strange trust they have always shared since the very beginning.

“Knowing this, do you still plan on continuing with Roselia?” Sayo asked.

“I don’t know.”

Minato-san lowered her head so her expression was hidden beneath a shadow. She wiped a cheek with the back of her hand.

Sayo averted her gaze to give Minato-san some privacy. “The fact that you are wavering means you have a lingering desire to stay. Then what is stopping you?”

“It is not just a lingering desire…Don’t get me wrong, Sayo. I _know_ I want to stay. I have no uncertainties about that.” Minato-san’s voice became louder as she lifted her head again, eyes shining with residual tears. “I have said this before. While I started with the sole motivation of inspiring my father, it is no longer as important as my desire to play together with all of you. But I cannot express this new desire in the music I compose! It is as Ichirou-ojisan had said – my music is not growing with my person. I am still clinging onto the style that belonged to my father. I ignored it at first because I honestly didn’t know what I should do. This was the only path I had known my whole life. But what happened yesterday made me have to face it…my father hit his limit; if I follow him then I would too, and I would be taking all of you to the same destined failure. I don’t want that!”

The crying girl before Sayo was not the gorgeous songstress who had once captivated her, but the warm feeling in her chest didn’t wane, only growing stronger. It was then that Sayo realized, her idolization of Minato Yukina had long since changed to something different, something more, and no amount of denial or avoidance could erase the fact.

Sayo had thought this admission would crumble her world, but rather, it left her strangely at peace.

This time, Sayo reached over to touch Yukina’s hand and held it.

“If you cannot find a new sound that reflects the current you, then leave it to us. Show us who you are, we will find that sound with you, together. I won’t say we will succeed for sure, but even if we fail, even if all this may end eventually, we will never lose memories of having tried. That alone is enough for me. I promise I will never regret having been by your side.”

“Sayo…”

Minato-san shakily flipped her hand so she could return Sayo’s grasp. Some of the hesitation in her expression was lifted with a forming smile.

“Thank you.”

Roselia returned to practice the next week. Minato-san explained to everyone her issues, and like Sayo, the others were supportive, reaffirming their faith in Minato-san’s leadership and vowing to help in whatever ways they could. Imai-san volunteered to write the lyrics of their next song – a valiant effort, though everyone had to agree that it wasn’t such a good idea considering her previous attempt: the infamously corny _Rosalisa_ song. Shirokane-san agreed to join in on Minato-san and Sayo’s next brainstorming session, saying that there were some motifs in the classical music she usually performed that she thought might be interesting to incorporate. Imai-san said she’d contribute cookies. Udagawa-san, as per usual, gave the most atrocious suggestion of wanting to add some “fanservice” into their next live to “unleash the demon hordes upon the unsuspecting crowds and…” Shirokane-san finished her sentence with a “…melt their souls by the eternal fires of hell.” Sayo did not bother trying to understand the nonsensical ramble; the concept of “fanservice” alone was objectionable enough. She sought Minato-san for support, only to find Minato-san actually nodding in agreement.

“I know we cannot find a new sound overnight, so I have been contemplating how we can present our old songs in a different way. _Oneness_ came to mind.”

“ _Oneness_?” Sayo couldn’t exactly follow.

“I wrote the song with the image of us coming together, and we coming together with the audience. Yet, we have always performed the song standing still in our spot on the stage. This affects the way we play and sing. I find myself directing my voice to a distance far away – then where is the oneness I am trying to convey?”

“So you are saying we should change the choreograph as we perform?”

“Yes. If that is what Ako calls ‘fanservice’, then I find it agreeable.”

They all pitched in their ideas, such as Minato-san crossing the stage sometimes to Imai-san’s side, sometimes to Sayo’s, and reaching out to each of them upon singing the words “dreams”, “love”, “world”, and “future”. Indeed, after incorporating the moves, their sound seemed to have changed with it. Before, they played with sheer power, but now that power took form into gravity that pulled the audience towards them. They were evolving as a band. Passion, love, loss and regret – those were themes they had once borrowed from Minato-san’s father. Now, they became brighter, younger, more charismatic, and sometimes more delicate with a feminine charm. They had not completely cast away their past yet – perhaps that wasn’t necessary either – but they were moving forward, bit by bit, this time hand in hand.

They were performing on a small stage today, but it seemed larger than it really was with the crowd so ecstatic, their glow sticks a sea of scorching red. Sayo was watching Minato-san sing the chorus of _Oneness_ – she no longer averted her gaze. Minato-san was beautiful. She swayed with the beat, her hair waving and shining under the spotlight. She turned and smiled at Sayo as the chorus transitioned towards the second theme, walking to her side of the stage as they had previously practised; she was to sing with her back against Sayo’s, just as she had done in the first theme with Imai-san.

But instead, Minato-san moved behind Sayo and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, her face coming close as she sang.

 _Emotions that sink to the depths (go away)_  
_Vague echoes of regret (go away)_  
_Those silent voices underfoot trying to take you away (go away)_  
_Drive them off completely. Eternal affection (I’ll go)_

Minato-san’s cheek brushed briefly against Sayo’s just as she let go of her to return to center stage. To Sayo, the moment seemed to have lasted forever. A passing thought came to her when her gaze landed on Minato-san’s lips which had been so close to her she had felt the warmth off them – what would it feel like to touch them with her own?

The thought made Sayo’s cheeks burn. She didn’t resist the feeling though, letting the embarrassment and that bit of secret joy fill her.

Hikawa Sayo was in love with Minato Yukina, not as an idol, not as a friend, but as a woman. She had come to accept that as a part of her true self.

She knew her feelings would bear no fruit. She knew perhaps one day they would fade into nothingness. But this was her first love. For now, she was happy enough to cherish it while it lasted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very reading. I took some liberty in the way I wrote Sayo's character, hope it wasn't too OOC. Judging by Sayo's extreme self-esteem issues, and how her relationship with Hina was allowed to have worsened to the level we witnessed at the beginning of the Bandori plotline, I headcanon the Hikawa parents as rather negligent. I always wondered where Sayo's strictness and conservatism (see her comments on Yukina's swimsuit in the Roselia waterpark event) came from, and thought that it was probably her family. She might've felt that if she couldn't be the "smarter" sister, then at least she could be the "better behaved" sister, thus why she'd lap up whatever nonsense her family might have fed her without second thoughts. I also headcanon Sayo as being quite naïve about the world despite the mature pretense she puts up. For instance, in that 4-koma where she complained to Tsugumi about her schoolmates' lack of discipline and improper clothing choices, and Tsugumi explained that wearing accessories may be a way for one to express their individuality, Sayo didn't seem to reject what Tsugumi says. Instead, she seemed to not have considered the possibility, and even started wondering what Lisa might be trying to express with her choice of "rabbit dangling upside-down" earrings. It makes me really wonder what kind of worldview does Sayo hold, and thus why I wrote her initially equating romance and attraction to marriages, and gave her some heteronormative, patriarchal passing thoughts. My goal for this chapter, and for this work in general, is to illustrate Sayo, Yukina, and Lisa's personal growth through their interactions with each other. Hopefully I was able to portray some of Sayo's changes here.


	2. The Language of My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had intended for the events of this chapter to fall chronologically after the events of the first chapter, but it ended up that the vast majority of this chapter had an overlapping timeline to the first. It deals with Yukina's perspective of the events that happened in the first chapter, and also describes some other events that Sayo had been unaware of in her POV. Please take note that this chapter is in Yukina's limited POV. As such, like the narrative of the first chapter, it is not absolutely accurate and reflects a personal bias from the POV character.

Minato Yukina tapped her pen on the table, the sound of which echoed throughout her room to join the other incessant noise present - that of her ticking clock. Tick, tap, tick, tap…followed by a few soft clatters coming from within her mouth. She just noticed that she had ground her teeth together in frustration.

She let go of the breath she didn’t realize she had been holding; it came out as a long sigh. Dropping the pen on the table, she leaned back on her chair to stare at the ceiling – it was as blank as her mind.

The night had started off productive. Contrary to some of the praises she received for her musical work, Yukina was not a creative person by nature. She was unimaginative, thus the only way for her to compose was to draw from her experiences. Just weeks earlier, they had gone to a waterpark at Lisa’s suggestion – that was the unlikely source of her inspiration for the song she had been working on since. She had made sporadic progress over the past days, jotting down a melody here and there, but it wasn’t until tonight that she finally pieced it all together. The general theme she had gone for was something to do with water but with less of the coldness, instead infused with warmth and hope. With the water, she thought about its properties - the way it trickled could be expressed with running arpeggio and scale elements, and those elements could be repeated by different instruments to simulate flow. She added some distortion to the notes when she thought about the way sound transmitted through water, somewhat muted and wavering, leaving slight echoes in its wake. She then thought about bigger bodies of water and how to imitate their depth musically, choosing a breathy, string-like synth to play slower moving chords, with an undertow of plucking notes on the bass. There could be a ride pattern with the cymbals to evoke the repeated wash of waves ashore, balanced by stronger crashes as the song moved to its climax. Combined with a melody that ascended both in pitch and power, that would express the hope she envisioned, with sustained dissonance finally resolving to warm consonance and a return to the tonal center.

The musical portion of the song was finally completed just past midnight. Yukina had been quite satisfied with herself and thought that since the sounds were still fresh in her mind, she would give the lyrics a shot too. Not exactly a good idea since they had a live at 10am the next morning in another prefecture, though she had to admit, she had never been too good at making sensible decisions where music was concerned. She did not need to count all the allowances she had lavished on CDs and rock magazines that left her with nothing but discount onigiri for lunch - she only managed not to starve thanks to Lisa’s generosity.

But she really should have evaluated her own abilities better, even if her brain had been a little muddy from sleep deprivation and pumped with far too much adrenaline from her enthusiasm. Maybe it had been the coffee; she shouldn’t have consumed another one at that hour, especially with it as sugar-loaded as she usually made them. Somehow, she had forgotten how much more difficult it was for her to put emotions to words compared to notes. With notes, she could fall back to her extensive musical training, but with words? Yukina’s language grades weren’t exactly stellar - let’s leave it at that.

She had started with a few keywords to express the main theme of the song – that of her wish to better understand her band members so they could climb to greater heights. Sayo had given her the idea that it was not in a single interaction, but one upon another, that built up their understanding for each other. Relating to the water motif, that would be like “drops” filling a pond. The pond would be a “mirror” that showed their “futures”. So far so good. But at that point, she had stalled. What _was_ the future she imagined? It was easy to relate it to specific events, like going to the Future World Fes together, and continuing to perform their brand of music from thereon forward. But it was much more difficult to articulate exactly why those events would bring them satisfaction. She knew how her father would describe it – passion, love, desire – but those were his words and not her own. Before, she had borrowed extensively from his vocabulary. Lately, though, she found the words increasingly inadequate.

“Love” – she had scribbled the kanji on the page, stared at it, stared at it some more, and then started tapping her pencil against the table when she had grown impatient. Her father had sung of it as though his life had depended on it; Yukina did her best to imitate him, but she always thought it sounded a little artificial coming from herself. As a child, she had asked her father what was the “love” he sang so strongly about, to which her father said that it was “when you really, really want something.” She really, really wanted to become the best musician she could, so she must love music. That was easy to understand. But what about loving a person? You could not exactly love a person the way you love an object, right? Her father had explained that when you love a person, it was when you “want the best for them.” She wanted the best for her father, so she must love him. But she also wanted the best for her band members, so did that mean she loved them too?

She knew she felt differently for each of these people, so even if she loved them all, that “love” must come in different flavours. For instance, her love for her father would be akin idolization; her father was her model who had taught her all the things she knew. Her love for Lisa would be more of gratitude; she had always been by her side and helped her whenever she encountered difficulties. Her love for Ako would be similar to her love for kittens; Ako was so small and young and dependent on her guidance – it made Yukina want to teach her everything she knew so she could watch her grow. But how did these “loves” compare? Which was stronger, which took priority? And more importantly, what did they actually mean to her, aside from the superficial characterization she had listed?

“I don’t get it,” Yukina said to herself. She rolled her head to the side so she could read her clock. 3am. They were to meet up at 6.

She decided now was not the time to ponder. If she still couldn’t come up with good lyrics tomorrow, she would ask Sayo for help. For all her stoicism, Sayo could be surprisingly insightful and articulate about the emotions of others. Maybe Rinko too, though if Yukina wanted to solicit her opinion, it’d have to be through instant messaging on that online fantasy game she loved to play with Ako, seeing as the girl could hardly form a sentence without stuttering when they were speaking alone in-person. Sayo it was then. Yukina didn’t have the confidence of figuring out how to type Japanese in that game without the help she got from Lisa last time.

It must be because of that last thought before she fell asleep, because Yukina awoke to her alarm clock just as she was dreaming of typing “nihongo ga syaberenai” across the screen. She groaned. She had never been a morning person, and 6am was too early to even be considered morning according to her. After some struggle, she finally got out of bed and readied herself for the trip to Ibaraki. At least she could catch up on some sleep on the ride there.

She first met up with Lisa, or to be more accurate, Lisa was already waiting at her front door when she opened it. “Yahou~” Lisa greeted as usual, bright and cheery. Yukina narrowed her eyes; Lisa’s voice was a bit too loud for her sleep-deprived brain to bear – it was giving her a headache.

“Seems like you are having a good morning,” she grumbled. Her grumpiness did not deter Lisa, though Lisa did lower her voice a little, maybe after having caught onto Yukina’s state.

“Are you feeling fine? You don’t look so well today…”

“It’s nothing. I’m just sleepy.”

Lisa frowned. “Did you stay up all night writing a song again? You can’t keep doing that. You’ll jeopardize your health.”

“I did not stay up all night – I had three hours of sleep. And I know that isn’t enough. I only do this in moderation.”

“This clearly isn’t moderation.” Lisa sighed and gave her a strange smile that reminded Yukina of her mom. “You could’ve asked me for help, you know?”

“So we could produce something along the lines of your _Rosalisa_ song?”

“Hey, that’s mean!” Lisa pouted. Yukina couldn’t tell if she was really offended or just pretending. Yukina had meant that as a joke – the kind that Lisa liked to tell – but either others refused to believe she was even _capable_ of joking, or she really wasn’t good at it, because her jokes never quite turned out right. It wasn’t just her jokes, which to be fair, she rarely told anymore given the poor reactions she got. Yukina just wasn’t very good at expressing herself in general. Maybe that was why conversations with Mitake-san always ended with the latter nearly screaming in her face.

She sought a way to pacify Lisa, just in case she really had been offended. Maybe she could seek Lisa’s help about the subject she had been pondering last night…

“Then can you tell me what is ‘love’?”

“Haaaaa!?”

Yukina watched Lisa’s expression fall apart at her question. First, her mouth dropped open a little, only to produce that weird, meaningless syllable. Then, she looked away from Yukina and started fiddling with her sleeve.

“...wh-wh-why are you asking me that?”

“Why? Is it really such a strange question?”

“Well…umm…you know, when people ask that question, it’s usually because they are in love with someone?”

Lisa was still avoiding her gaze for whatever the reason that was completely beyond Yukina’s comprehension. It made her scowl.

“In love? What are you talking about?”

“So Yukina isn’t actually in love with somebody, right? As in, you know…romantically?”

Lisa glanced up a little, still looking incredibly awkward. Yukina just met her gaze with nothing but confusion.

“If I even know what you are talking about, then I wouldn’t be asking the question in the first place.”

“Ahahaha…I guess you are right…” At this, Lisa’s stiffness seemed to have dissipated a little. She readjusted herself, standing a little taller, then started talking with a grandiose tone similar to that of a certain Seta Kaoru.

“So my little Yukina is all grown up and pondering such philosophical questions now…should I feel proud or tearful? Well, love is - if I must give words to it - a disease of the heart…”

“Answer me seriously.” Yukina cut her off bluntly. It was one thing for Ako to spew such nonsensical rants, but Lisa wasn’t a middle-schooler anymore, and they did not need a second Seta Kaoru at Haneoka.

“But I mean…what did you expect me to say?” Lisa complained, looking defensive. “You can’t really put words to the feeling of ‘love’…”

“You can’t?” Yukina tried mulling over what Lisa just said, but it only worsened her headache. She spat out her annoyance. “That is unreasonable.”

“But love isn’t reasonable…” Lisa shrugged. Yukina looked her over and decided that she had been an idiot to even think Lisa would give her a comprehensible answer.

“Nevermind. I’ll ask Sayo instead.”

“Heh!? You don’t believe me?”

“It’s not a matter of whether I believe you or not. Your words are so cryptic they might as well be in a foreign language.”

Yukina might have grown up with Lisa, but they were polar opposites. She had always thought Lisa to be a bit strange – perhaps the sentiment went both ways, but Lisa wasn’t the kind of person to say these things out loud, much to Yukina’s puzzlement. To Yukina, Lisa was a very contradictory person. She had so many examples of it that it’d take up a hundred pages just to list them all out, the most recent one that came to mind was when Lisa showed up to band practice as cheerful as usual, but nearly collapsed halfway through because - as it turned out - she had been running a fever the past two days. Yukina had not noticed. When Yukina questioned Lisa, she gave one of those weird, vague answers again, something about not wanting others to worry about her. As Yukina understood it, “to worry” was when you “concerned yourself with the well-being of another”. If Lisa had told her that she was sick and staying home to recover, Yukina wouldn’t “worry” anymore. It was simple as that. What Lisa did not only made her own condition worse, giving Yukina more reason to “worry”, but also introduced an element of unpredictability. Part of the reason why you would concern yourself with the well-being of another was because you weren’t sure whether that person was alright. When Lisa nearly collapsed during practice, Yukina wasn’t expecting it and thus it was natural for her to keep thinking about it afterward. That was the cause of “worry”, was it not? When Yukina explained this to Lisa, Lisa just gave her an awkward smile – the usual. She said that feelings weren’t something so systematic, which only led to more confusion on Yukina’s part. What wasn’t systematic about it? Everything had a cause and an effect. Emotions were the same. Something happened -> your body would react -> your brain would label the reaction as an emotion. It was the same with music. When the notes were precise, your brain would recognize the melodic pattern and label it as something it liked. That was what produced the myriad of physiological changes that one would call “fascination”, like the quickening of your heartbeat and increase in body temperature and the incessant nagging for you to join in – to sing or beat along with the tune.

“I wasn’t trying to be cryptic, but I guess seeing as it is Yukina, it can’t really be helped that’s what you think.”

“What do you mean seeing as it is me?” Yukina could only surmise Lisa’s remark was accusatory. “I don’t think I am the one being unreasonable here.”

Lisa gave her another of those awkward smiles. Yukina decided she didn’t like them at all.

“The problem is you are being _too_ reasonable.”

“There is no such thing as ‘too reasonable’. You either adhere to the rules of logic or you don’t. There is no middle-ground.”

“But there are things logic alone cannot explain.” Lisa paused for an example. “Like your love for cats.”

“I like them just as much as everybody else!” she defended. Lisa might have rolled her eyes at her statement.

“Let’s not get into this. That’s not my point. So why do you like them?”

Why? Shouldn’t the answer be obvious?

“They’re cute?”

“Why do you think they are cute?”

“They are small and defenseless?”

“Why are small and defenseless things cute to you?”

This was getting so long-winded and off-topic that Yukina felt blood rise to her head. She must be exhausted.

“That is a question for biologists to answer. It probably has to do with the man who went off to an island to study finches.” – not only were Yukina’s language grades less than stellar, her other grades were equally lackluster.

“My point stands that _you_ do not know the reason, but even without it, can feel the emotion. The same goes for ‘love’. There may be many reasons why you may find someone attractive, but the exact combination that produces what we feel as love is something we ourselves can’t ever figure out.”

For once, Lisa’s explanation made some sense. It explained why Yukina had felt as though her vocabulary couldn’t quite describe her feelings as of late - she was feeling something without knowing the reason behind it. But while Lisa made it seem obvious that you could identify an emotion without knowing the reason, Yukina couldn’t understand how. Wouldn’t the arousal from admiration and anger feel similar without context?

“So how did you realize you were in love? How did you know ‘love’ was the feeling you had for that person, whoever they are?” she asked. Lisa stopped in her steps, making Yukina have to turn back to look at her. For some reason, Lisa’s face had turned red. The way it flushed from normal to its current shade looked a little surreal.

“...h…h…how did you know? …I…I mean, when did I ever tell you…th…that I was…in…in love!?”

“You talk as though from experience. Was I wrong to assume?” – and even if she were, was it cause for such an exaggerated display?

“Well…umm…that’s…” Lisa kept fidgeting. Yukina stared blankly at her.

“So I wasn’t wrong,” she said factually. “Come to think of it, who is this person? You never said anything about this before…”

Lisa did not let her finish, just urging her to turn around then started pushing her forward again.

“Let’s talk about this another time…ahahaha... We have to meet up with the others and catch the bus to Ibaraki, right?”

Whatever. It wasn’t as though she cared. She just couldn’t understand why Lisa was making such a big deal out of it.

People in love sure were weird.

Strangely, when she posed the same question to Sayo after their live, Sayo displayed a similar reaction.

“Mi…Minato-san? Why are you asking me this?”

It seemed that whenever she posed the question of ‘love’ to anyone, they would look as though their darkest secret had been revealed in the middle of a sold-out concert at the Budokan. Or maybe it was just Lisa and Sayo.

“It came up as I was thinking about the lyrics of our next song,” Yukina explained. Sayo made an audible sigh, slumping back onto her seat.

“I see,” she said in a calmer voice now, “So Minato-san plans to write a love song?”

“Not necessarily. I want to write about the new Roselia.”

“New Roselia?”

“Our failure at the SMS event led us to conclude that we have evolved, right?”

Sayo nodded. “So Minato-san wants to write about the band we have become since?”

Sayo got the gist, but not quite. “I also want to write about my feelings towards the new us, and the future we envision. I know these feelings are important to me, but I couldn’t quite find the words to express them, so I tried to think about how my father would write instead. The word I came up with was ‘love’, although upon deeper thought, I realized that I didn’t actually know what ‘love’ means.”

“In other words, Minato-san isn’t sure if those feelings could be described as ‘love’?” When Yukina nodded, Sayo continued apologetically. “I am not sure if I have an answer for that. Love is a versatile word. It can be used to describe positive feelings towards many things, concepts, and of course, people. But obviously, these different types of love are not equivalent, and coming back to your purpose, I do not think understanding the categorization of different loves necessarily answers your question. What I think Minato-san’s real question is: what is the meaning of the feelings you hold? That is the reason why Minato-san wants to put a label to them, right?”

Sayo was precise as always. It was a relief that she seemed to understand Yukina’s struggles without going off on a tangent like Lisa did. “Simply writing ‘I love Roselia’ does not yield any depth, and thus I doubt I could evoke resonance with the audience.”

“In that case, it is a matter of understanding how the audience would describe your feelings if they were in your shoes. And that understanding would only come from observation.”

Observation. Yukina started doing a lot of that with Lisa, who - judging by her vast number of friends - best represented “the common person”. With regards to Yukina’s behaviour, Lisa seemed to display a mix of joy and confusion. When Yukina asked for clarification, Lisa refused to tell her.

Strange.

“Anyway, it has been getting colder lately. I don’t prefer it so cold, but it’s a great season for baths!” Lisa changed the subject, likely to divert Yukina’s attention. Yukina let her. “I want to go pick up some bath salts on Sunday. Wanna come with?”

“We have band practice.”

“Aww…come on…we can hang out after practice. Besides, I was planning on inviting Sayo too.”

“What does that have to do with me?”

“Well…you see…last time we went to Ibaraki, Sayo seemed a little upset…” Really? But Sayo was perfectly fine when Yukina sought her advice. When did this happen? “I was thinking of cheering her up, but you know how she is…she likely wouldn’t come with me if you weren’t around.”

Yukina still did not understand what she had to do with all this. Then again, it was somewhat true that Sayo had a tendency of listening to her rather than Lisa, but Yukina had thought that only extended so far as band matters were concerned.

Figuring that Lisa knew what she was doing, Yukina didn’t inquire further. She wanted to observe Lisa more anyway, and spending time with Sayo had always been pleasant, so she wasn’t entirely against the idea.

“Fine. I have two hours after practice before I have to go home for dinner. If that’s alright with you, I can come.”

“Great! Thank you, Yukina!”

Lisa’s enthusiasm made Yukina smile. She didn’t really know why though.

Sunday came around, and sure to Lisa’s prediction, Sayo had decided to come with them to go bath salts shopping, although not without mild complaints beforehand. “Imai-san, I know you are excited about the shopping trip, but it is no reason to end practice early.”

“It was only five minutes…We had to make sure we wouldn’t miss the train…”

“Five minutes is more than enough to give _Hidamari Rhodonite_ another run-through.”

Lisa might have grumbled something about Sayo having the easiest part in _Hidamari Rhodonite_ anyway, garnering a glare from Yukina which she quickly laughed off. “What’s done is done. We can catch up on the five minutes next time!”

Yukina sighed. Hanging out with Lisa always made her so conflicted. On one hand, she did like spending time with her best friend – Lisa doted on her so much that it sometimes made her feel bad, but how could she dislike her for it nonetheless? On the other hand, due to differences in their interests, Yukina always felt like the time they spent together could be spent doing something more productive.

“Sayo, have you read the latest issue of _Gekirock_?” Yukina said to end Lisa and Sayo’s pointless squabble. Sayo immediately turned her full attention to her, eyes lighting up.

“Why yes! There was an interview on…”

“Music talk is forbidden today!” Lisa cut Sayo off, wedging herself between the two of them. If Yukina’s ears weren’t playing tricks on her – and they usually were very sensitive – she might have heard Sayo let out a yelp as she pretty much jumped at Lisa’s reach around her shoulders.

“Imai-san! You are being too close!” Sayo’s face was a bit of a mystery – there was definitely surprise and embarrassment, with perhaps some fear mixed in too. Yukina assumed Sayo just didn’t expect Lisa’s sudden bear hug.

“What’s wrong with a bit of skinship? We are friends, right?” Lisa said, nudging a cheek into Yukina’s face. “See, Yukina is fine with it.”

Yukina was used to Lisa’s physical displays of affection. She wouldn’t deny that they could feel rather pleasant, though if given a choice, she’d rather decline it at the current moment.

“Lisa, I can’t walk with you clinging onto me like this…”

“Boo. Yukina is such a party pooper.”

Lisa finally let go of them to lead the way towards the bath shop she said was on the other side of the station. Yukina and Sayo trailed behind her in comfortable silence.

“So…what should we talk about?” Lisa interrupted. Why was Lisa always so eager to have a conversation? Yukina really just wanted to space out for a bit. While the air was brisk, the late afternoon sun was warm enough to take the bite away from the cold – it was the perfect weather for a quiet stroll to relax her mind and body.

“You are the one who banned music from our conversation topics,” Yukina stated. If there were anything she wanted to talk about, it was the conversation with Sayo that Lisa had broken up earlier.

“But there are other things to talk about, right?” Lisa insisted. Yukina tried to think of something but came up with no answer.

“Even if you say it like that…” she muttered. She had an inkling that Lisa’s encouragement for her to talk about non-music-related things was out of concern. Lisa told Yukina a lot that the reason she stayed by her side was to bring back her smile – something that Lisa claimed Yukina had lost growing up. It was true that Yukina had a happy childhood, and that happiness did fade a little when her father lost the music he loved. But Yukina rejected the way Lisa painted music as the cause of her problems. It was a misunderstanding. To Yukina, music was her mother tongue. Far back in her earliest memories, before she had met Lisa, music had already been a big part of her life. For all the feelings that she could not decipher, she could comprehend them when they were expressed as music. The pounding of drums synchronized with the beating of her heart, the harmony of melodic lines brought warmth, their dissonance brought tender aches. Lisa might be able to easily tag words to her feelings, but Yukina couldn’t, and music was all she had to understand the world around and within her. It was not music that had robbed her smile – music was what formed her smile in the first place, and it was the loss of that music that had returned her to who she originally was. She knew now that not everybody was like herself; even the other members of Roselia who had decided to follow her lead did so for a variety of reasons that she was just starting to comprehend. But as her understanding of the others deepened - even Lisa who she thought she had known well - she couldn’t help but feel a paradoxical disconnect with how different they were to herself. Could she really come to know them well enough to represent their feelings with her voice? And would her screaming notes of the person she was inside ever reach any of them?

“A topic that all of us would like to talk about…” Sayo was next to brainstorm after Yukina had fallen silent. “Cookies?”

“Awesome idea!” Lisa exclaimed. “By the way, thanks for the cookies you made with Yukina last time. They were great! The veggie taste was a little weird at first, but you just can’t stop yourself from eating another one. It reminds me of salad-flavoured Pretz sticks.”

“I assure you, there were no carrots involved,” Sayo muttered her distaste for her least-favourite vegetable. Yukina nodded in agreement.

“No bitter melons either.”

“I think I would strangle you if you put bitter melons in my cookies,” Lisa said with a shudder. “So, what kind of cookies would you girls like me to bake next time?”

“Lisa should just take a break and let us handle it,” Yukina said.

“Precisely that, Imai-san. You have done too much for us already. Please let us take care of it next time.”

“But it isn’t as though Sayo doesn’t do anything for us. You handle the books, and that is very important work!” At this, Lisa shifted her gaze to Yukina and gave her one of those motherly smiles with an equal mixture of fondness and helplessness. “As for Yukina, I think it’s best for her to stick to singing.”

“The cookies turned out fine last time.” Yukina was indignant, but she couldn’t exactly protest her case strongly when the victim of her dropping-flour-all-over-the-kitchen incident was present. She stole a quick glance over to Sayo, who was looking away from her with a suspicious grin on her face. As much as Yukina did not like to be the target of their teasing, she must say it was little to pay for watching her ever-serious guitarist hold back laughter as desperately as she was doing now.

“Anyway…” Lisa came between Yukina’s view of Sayo. “The store is just ahead. Let’s go!”

Lisa grabbed her hand and pulled her along. Yukina was not exactly athletic; she would’ve rather walked more leisurely, but she humoured Lisa’s excitement anyway. Sayo trailed closely behind, stepping into the store just as Lisa let go of Yukina’s hand to check out the off-white bath salt on display near the front.

“Sayo,” Lisa called, gesturing to the guitarist, “Here is the chamomile bath salt I was talking about last time. It smells a little sweet, but not overly so, and I find using it just before I go to bed makes me sleep better. Try it!”

“Thank you.”

Yukina took note of the conversation. “You are not sleeping well, Sayo?”

Sayo smiled. “Thanks for your concern. I just have a bit of difficulty in sleeping through the entire night lately. It is probably the change in weather. It has been colder and drier, so my body has yet to adjust.”

“You must keep well-hydrated. I find that if my fingertips are too dry, they can crack, and flake, and the skin can get caught on the strings…”

“Yukina! Stop!” Lisa called with a shudder.

“But this pertains to you too, Lisa.”

“I know! Which is why I’d rather you not remind me! And aren’t we going to stop talking about music today?”

Yukina sighed. “Fine. Anyway, if you are interested, Sayo, I have a lotion I can recommend to you. It is non-greasy, and the effects are long-lasting, so you can put it on at night and wash it clean before practising and it would still keep your fingers…” She avoided saying they cracked, for Lisa’s sake. “…in good condition.”

“I’d be happy to take up that recommendation.”

“So back to the bath salts,” Lisa said, “You seen the bath oil beads over there, Yukina? There are some that are cat-shaped!”

That definitely caught Yukina’s attention. Her eyes strayed to where Lisa was pointing. Sayo, too, followed them closely to the bath oil beads display in the corner. She muttered softly. “…there…there are dog-shaped ones too!”

Yukina’s hands reached for the jar of lavender-coloured cats while Sayo made for the turquoise-coloured dogs. For a second, neither of them spoke, just staring dreamily into the jars they had picked up.

“I’m glad you two seem to have found something you like?” Lisa said while wrapping her arms around the two of them again. Like last time, Sayo jumped, the jar rolling precariously in her hands before she managed to tighten her grip around it to prevent its fall.

“Imai-san! Like I said…”

“Sorry, sorry. I did it out of habit,” Lisa let Sayo go. The latter kept glaring at her with slight annoyance.

“Please correct this hugging habit of yours. It is not proper.”

Yukina looked from one of them to the other. “…if you would excuse me, I would like to pay for this at the counter now…”

Observe as she did today, Yukina still had no confidence of understanding Lisa’s thought process…

They made it out of the store just as the sun was setting. Yukina couldn’t stop grinning whenever she stole a peek at the cat-shaped bath beads in the jar. Sayo looked at her with a similarly warm expression. “They certainly are cute, aren’t they, Minato-san?”

“Ah…Sayo’s dog-shaped beads are cute too.”

“Would you like to trade some of yours for mine?”

“Uh…” Yukina hesitated. She loved her cats, but at the same time, trading something with Sayo seemed a nice idea. It was like a token of their deepening bond. “Very well. I will trade you half a dozen.”

Yukina picked out some of her cats and placed them in Sayo’s jar, receiving some of the dog beads in return. She looked at the turquoise dogs sitting atop the lavender cats and nodded in approval with how cutely they complemented each other. It reminded her of the bundle of cats she’d see curled up inside the crawl tunnel at their local children’s playground.

“Minato-san really loves cats, it seems,” Sayo noted.

“I…like them an ordinary amount. I used to have a cat when I was young.”

“You’re talking about Buyo, right?” Lisa supplied. “I liked him a lot too. He was soo cute!”

“Small animals really are so very wonderful,” Sayo said, her voice trailing off as though she had started talking to herself. “Unlike humans, they do not judge you. They will accept you unconditionally, no matter the scars you may bear. Maybe I am just projecting my own hopes upon them, but it seems the feelings I cannot express to others can be easily understood by the animals, no words needed. Just holding them close and petting their fur makes my heart calmer.”

Yes, that was exactly it. Yukina remembered how Buyo used to crawl onto her lap whenever she was sad. She did not need to explain to him her hurt and her reasons. Unlike humans, he never pried – he couldn’t anyway. His comfort was certainly genuine. The simplicity of their companionship was what she cherished the most.

“Well, how about we go to a cat and dog café next week? There is one that opened two stations away,” Lisa suggested.

Try as they might, neither Yukina nor Sayo could resist the offer.

The following weeks, Yukina accepted Lisa’s invitations to hang out. Interestingly, Sayo did the same, and they found themselves wandering idly along the shopping district eating meat buns one day, checking out stores at the mall another. Sure, their gatherings were never too long in duration. Both Sayo and Yukina were insistent on reserving time for practice. But Yukina did treasure the short time they spent together. She didn’t know whether observing Lisa had helped her understand the mindset of a “common person”. Regardless, doing things that the “common person” would do had turned out to be surprisingly enjoyable. It had become a sort of guilty pleasure. Yukina could be spending the time practising instead, but she couldn’t help indulging in Sayo and Lisa’s companionship.

Yukina hummed the melody of the song she had composed weeks earlier, penning its lyrics as she did so. She had decided to title it _Sanctuary_ , to describe the secret haven she had recently found with her two friends and the rest of Roselia. All her uncertainties, inadequacies…they formed the ocean that submerged her. She worked hard to swim to the top, to reach the surface where the sunlight she desired was waiting. But the times when she became tired, the times she became disoriented, there was still a sanctuary inside that ocean for her to rest in. That sanctuary was composed of drops upon drops of memories she shared with those dear to her – they floated around like bubbles, giving warmth to the otherwise cold world. Yes, that was the imagery she wanted to go for. There were more specific feelings that she would like to put to words too, but for the time being, this was a good enough start.

Her phone vibrated then. She picked it up - a notification lighted the screen. It was a message from Lisa.

_Lisa: Seems that Sayo can’t make Thursday either._

Yukina pondered over the message. They had been trying to organize something to do together for the past days but Sayo had been busy. They tried working around their schedules to pick a time that would work for Sayo, alas, after five attempts at changing the date they still ended up here.

_Yukina: I will ask her about it tomorrow._

She typed the message and sent it before reclining back on her chair with a sigh. Why did she feel this…annoyance at the situation? It was not like her. But for some reason, she just couldn’t leave Sayo alone.

There was no use thinking about it. She had decided on a course of action. All that was left was to follow it.

The next day, Sayo had attended practice as usual. Her playing was as precise as always. Yukina had little to nitpick about her performance. Still, she knew there was something wrong. She wasn’t sure how she picked up on it – was it Sayo’s behaviour, or was it a subtle change in her sound that she couldn’t quite pinpoint?

“I am sorry this has become noticeable and might have caused you inconvenience, Minato-san. The truth is, an archery tournament is coming up and I have lost some sleep over it. I should have done better at managing my own condition. Please forgive me for my immaturity.”

When Yukina confronted Sayo, that was the only response she received. It was a perfectly reasonable response, but it was not the truth. Yukina knew it was not the truth. To think that Sayo would believe that after all the time they spent together, Yukina couldn’t even figure that out felt like a personal insult.

“Fine, if you insist on such an explanation.”

Yukina was irritated. She was human, after all, so it wasn’t like she was always as calm as she might appear. She could get irritated at a variety of things – not singing as well as she wanted, couldn’t get down the right notes and words for a new song she was composing, swamped with math homework that she honestly saw no use in doing, or even if her coffee didn’t have enough sugar in it…but Yukina was rarely irritated at people. Even if her bandmates were underperforming, she would be irritated at their performance and not at their person. How they handled their personal lives was none of her business. So why was she irritated at Sayo? Right. She had to admit this – _Sayo_ was the cause of her current irritation.

Her phone vibrated, cutting off her thoughts just like it had last night. She picked it up from where it sat next to her notebook containing those unfinished lyrics that had yet to progress tonight.

_Lisa: So, did you have a chance to talk to Sayo earlier today during practice?_

Yukina tapped the message box to bring up her keyboard. She didn’t feel like explaining anything, so she decided to keep it short.

_Yukina: Yes. She can’t make it. Let’s cancel for now._

This should be good enough…or so she thought. Lisa being Lisa, she replied again.

_Lisa: Eh? Do we really have to cancel?_

_Lisa: I wanted to hang out with you though…_

What did Lisa want her to say? Yukina stared at her phone for a bit. She didn’t have much motivation to reply, but it would be really rude to her best friend if she didn’t, so she just poked slowly at her phone to type her response, as though venting her grumpiness as she did so.

_Yukina: It can’t be helped that Sayo is busy._

Yukina was about to put her phone on do-not-disturb mode and call it a night. She had given up on writing tonight and would rather not lose any more sleep than she had already. But the device vibrated again with a fresh notification from Lisa. She hesitantly brought her thumb over to open it.

_Lisa: Can’t we do something with just the two of us?_

_Lisa: I know you like hanging out with Sayo. I do too._

_Lisa: But lately we haven’t spent much time alone together, right?_

The thought had not even crossed her mind. Ever since they started hanging out with Sayo, Yukina spent little time with Lisa alone. It wasn’t that she had spent a lot of time with Lisa alone before. Yukina would sometimes go shopping with Lisa, usually when she had an errand to run. At times, Lisa would come looking for her when she was at the park to feed the cats. Due to the proximity of their homes, they would walk to and from school together, although much of that time was spent in silence. That’s right. Because Lisa and she were so different in personality, they didn’t have too much in common to talk about. Yukina would listen to Lisa talk about her club activities and part-time job and gossip from her army of friends with little to contribute in return. That might be why Yukina had not hung out too much with Lisa before Sayo joined their outings. With Sayo around, it was easier to find a topic to discuss. Well…those topics usually revolved around music though, much to Lisa’s chagrin.

It was then that her phone vibrated again.

_Lisa: Aren’t your parents going on their hot springs trip this weekend?_

_Lisa: I’ll swing by to cook for you. We can spend some time together then. OK?_

_Lisa: I get to tease you about all the embarrassing things you did as a kid._

_Lisa: It’s gonna be a childhood friends-only thing!_

Yukina supposed Lisa was right after all. They might not have too much to talk about, but she would like to spend some alone time with Lisa like they had long in the past. At any rate, she would rather Lisa tease her when they were alone than if she were going to do it in front of everybody else.

_Yukina: Sure. Thanks in advance for the meal._

_Lisa: Haha. I wouldn’t be able to leave you alone anyway. You’d burn down the house!_

_Yukina: Say that again and I will decline your offer._

_Lisa: Aww…don’t be so sensitive._

_Lisa: Think about it…do you really want to eat cup ramen the entire weekend?_

_Yukina: No. But if it means you would stop chiding me, then I would do it._

_Lisa: Fine, fine, fine! I’ll stop! Don’t lock me out of the house!_

_Lisa: Just look forward to my food, alright? I promise it won’t disappoint._

“Yes, yes…” Yukina mumbled as though Lisa could hear her through the phone. She set it to do-not-disturb mode and tossed it to her bedside table before crawling under her covers.

The next few days were uneventful. Lisa had bugged Yukina a few times about why she had been “so quiet lately”, to which Yukina had no answer because she didn’t even realize it. Was she being more quiet than usual? She wasn’t doing it on purpose. She couldn’t exactly start a conversation when she didn’t have anything to say.

Not only did she have nothing to say in-person, she also found it difficult to continue writing lyrics on the song she had been working on. She was back to square one, where nothing she wrote seemed to resonate…they were hollow words with no meaning.

She decided to start writing a new song. Something less ambitious, closer to the style she learned as a child. It would be something with a driving rhythm, harsh guitar riffs, loud and bold – something she could scream along to get that strange, incomprehensible feeling off her chest.

“Yukina, I’m here!” Lisa’s voice called from downstairs. Yukina had let her parents know that Lisa would be staying over the weekend, so they left her the keys. She put down the guitar she had been using to sound out the riffs in her head and walked downstairs to meet Lisa.

“Welcome,” Yukina greeted, reaching out to help take some grocery bags from Lisa. As Lisa had promised, she had brought along a lot of food in preparation for tonight’s meal.

“Thanks!” Lisa said in return, following Yukina to the kitchen. “Hey, you are wearing the cat slippers I gave you on your birthday!”

Yukina placed the bags on the counter so that Lisa could sort through them and put things in the fridge as needed. Lisa moved around the kitchen expertly like she owned the place. Yukina gave a subconscious smile. It was nice to have such a close friend.

“It has been getting cold lately, so the slippers are perfect. Thank you for getting them for me.”

Lisa wrapped an arm around Yukina’s shoulder and grinned. “Leave it to me to know exactly what you want, Yukina!”

Did she now?

And did Yukina know what Lisa wanted in return?

Yukina waited for dinner to be served. She offered to help Lisa, but was shooed out of the kitchen, so she just went back to the living room to listen to the pile of CDs she bought recently for some inspiration. An hour or so later, Lisa re-emerged with dishes of Yukina’s favourite foods. The smell alone was enough to make her stomach grumble – it was obvious the taste would be amazing.

“You cooked a Western-style dinner?” Yukina noted the honey-glazed fish fillet and some sort of cream stew served with thick loaves of sweet bread.

“You don’t like it?” Lisa asked.

“I do. But I thought you liked traditional Japanese meals.”

Lisa waved off her comment. “Don’t mind me. I cook for others, not myself. The most delicious food is food that can make you smile.”

There was something about Lisa’s comment that bothered Yukina, but she couldn’t quite voice the reasoning behind it. As such, she just said her thanks and dug into the meal. It was delicious, of course, but would it be even more delicious if it were something that would make Lisa smile too? The useless thought floated through her mind.

“I am done. Thanks for the food.”

“Same! I must say, I am quite pleased with myself. The fillet was perfect.”

“Yes,” Yukina replied, standing up to collect the empty dishes. Lisa did the same, which prompted Yukina to give her a questioning stare. “I can clean the dishes myself. You can just rest, Lisa.”

“But I want to do this. Let’s wash them together, alright?”

Yukina nodded. This was not a matter to argue about anyway. She started scrubbing the dishes with detergent, then passed them to Lisa to rinse and dry. She liked how efficient the process was. They worked well together.

“So…” Lisa broke the silence. “What should we do after this? I’m staying the night, so we have plenty of time to spare.”

“Anything is fine by me.”

“Eh? You sure?”

“I wouldn’t say so if I wasn’t certain about it.”

“But if I say to watch a movie, you might not like it…”

“Why are you assuming I would not like it before we even watch it?”

“Well…you never liked movies. After we went last time with Sayo, you two had nothing to say about the movie and spent an entire hour at the café discussing the theme song instead!”

It was true. Movies just weren’t Yukina’s thing. She couldn’t find thrillers thrilling knowing the events were fictional. Horrors just didn’t make sense, because even on the odd chance that she did get horrified by the film, wouldn’t that equate to wasting money on self-torture? Comedies were silly and a waste of time. Lisa’s favourite romance genre was simply incomprehensible, not to mention that if you were so starved for romance, perhaps holing up in the theatre sobbing over your misfortune wasn’t the most proactive approach. The only appropriate uses for movie theatres were live-viewing concerts and high-resolution 3D cat documentaries.

“Still, if it were something you wanted to do, Lisa, then we should do it. If I do not like it, I will just nap. You shouldn’t let me stop you from what you enjoy.”

“Okay…if you say so.”

They went over to Lisa’s house briefly to pick up a DVD to watch together back at Yukina’s place. Yukina insisted that it should be Lisa’s favourite, with no consideration for Yukina’s own tastes. Maybe she was getting a little tired of the way Lisa doted on her. She didn’t want to always be the useless friend.

As expected, the film was of a romantic kind. To be specific, it was a tragic romance, the female lead dying of cancer and the male lead desperately trying to save her. Lisa started sobbing about ten minutes in – Yukina watched her curiously, passing the box of tissues whenever Lisa needed it. She tried to understand what Lisa liked so much about this. The plotline was slow and so overdone that it felt rather artificial. Yukina had to wonder if real-life people reacted this way to the situation. It was a question she could not answer, as she had never experienced anything similar, and that made the characters and their struggles wholly unrelatable.

“Lisa, I am curious…” Yukina struggled to word her question less bluntly. “So, what do you think is the appeal of this film?”

“It’s…hmm…romantic?”

“Romantic?” The way Yukina said the word was different from Lisa’s soft, admiring tone. It was just complete bafflement. “But the woman is dying. The man is miserable. Why is this romantic?”

“I guess I’ll have to borrow Kaoru’s favourite word here…” Lisa muttered with an expression crossed between pain and fondness. “It is fleeting.”

“It is the same reason why people love fireworks, why people admire cherry just as the blossoms fall after full bloom. It is not that things easily obtainable, things that last forever cannot be beautiful, but things more fleeting in nature have a beauty we can more readily appreciate. They do say that humans do not cherish things until we are on the verge of losing them. It’s like holding a ball of glass or a ball of steel. The glass so easily shatters that you cannot help but handle it with more care, and that care extends to a sort of…love.”

 _I prefer the steel ball._ – Yukina had wanted to say but kept silent as she did not want to deny Lisa’s feelings. Even if she could not comprehend, the least she could do was to respect that point of view. She continued watching the movie, which showed the man crying by the woman’s bedside at this point. She had to wonder, what was the purpose of the man making his dying girlfriend even more miserable by wailing before her, reminding her of her impending death and telling her how much that would make him suffer? If Yukina were he, she would hide those tears no matter how much effort it would take. She would commit to the conviction of fighting alongside her, only looking forward to victory over the disease, even if that outcome seemed impossible. There was no beauty in things you could not hold and keep. A glass ball was not beautiful because of its fragility, but because of the completeness of its shape – if Yukina loved it enough she would turn it to steel if she must. Humans were beings of will and should not need loss and hurt to teach them how to cherish and care.

“Lisa.”

“Hmm…?”

“It is fine to like fleeting things in fiction, but I think it is not good to do the same in real life. Liking an illusion is unhealthy. If you must desire the impossible, it must be when you believe you can turn that impossibility to reality.”

“I know…it’s just…I can’t help it, sometimes.”

Lisa reached over to take Yukina’s arm into her own, her head descending to rest on Yukina’s shoulder. She was close. Too close. Her breath fell on Yukina’s neck where it was bare just above the collar of her pajamas.

“Lisa, you…”

“Let me stay like this for a little while longer? Please?”

Yukina swallowed her words. She couldn’t say no when Lisa was like this.

All she could do was to turn her gaze to the ceiling.

“Fine. Just a while longer though.”

The next day, Lisa stuck around to spend time with Yukina. It was a rare day off from practice after all.

“So yesterday, I got to decide what to do. You lasted through that movie even when you hated it.”

“I didn’t really hate it,” Yukina answered. That would be impossible when she didn’t feel anything altogether.

“Still, I know you watched it for my sake, so it is only right for me to do the same today.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But I want to! I want to do what makes you happy.”

Yukina sighed. “You know what that would be…”

And so, they found themselves in what used to be Yukina’s father’s studio, now occupied by Yukina’s own gear. The band rarely practised here, as the space was small, and the equipment selection was obviously not as comprehensive as at CiRCLE. Occasionally, Sayo would stop by to practise with Yukina and offer advice on her compositions. Rinko might have also done the same one or two times. It was not the best, but it served its purpose. The minimum gear was there, and the walls were soundproof, so that was all that mattered.

Yukina set up her mic and ran through the usual regimen of warm-up exercises. Lisa did the same on her instrument. They then played through their setlist with Yukina picking out Lisa’s mistakes and making suggestions on how to improve. It lasted a while until, suddenly, Lisa let out a yelp.

“Ah!”

Yukina stopped singing and turned back to see Lisa holding her right finger. She was about to grab Lisa’s hand to take a look, but Lisa shirked and smiled awkwardly.

“It’s fine. No big deal.”

“If it is no big deal, then you would let me see it.”

She peeled Lisa’s left hand off to reveal the injured finger. It had a nasty cut on it and was bleeding profusely.

“I accidentally cut my finger when I was cooking last night. Thought it had already healed, but I guess I was wrong. I didn’t pluck the string quite right and it pulled off the scab…”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Yukina cut her off. She almost shocked herself by how loud her voice had been. It wasn’t her intention to scold Lisa, especially not when she was already in pain, but the stone in her chest that had been growing for years finally fell and there was no way she could hold it back.

“Let me get you some gauze to stop that bleeding,” Yukina muttered, quickly heading out of the room to avoid Lisa’s answer. She came back with the gauze and helped Lisa compress the finger.

“It’s really not too bad. The bleeding has mostly stopped,” Lisa said.

“Don’t say that again. You shouldn’t have been practising when your finger is injured.”

“Well, the pros would just put some superglue on it and keep going…”

“You are not a pro, and this is not a concert tour.”

“I just wanted to…”

“Stop it, Lisa!” Yukina couldn’t rein in her temper anymore. “You wanted to do the things I liked. You wanted to make me happy. I know that, but don’t you understand that I want you to be happy too?”

“I _am_ happy! When I see you smile, that is all I need. You might not understand, but you still don’t get to decide how I feel, Yukina!”

“You really think I can still stand to smile when I see you like this? Who do you think I am? Have you considered that I have feelings too? Or am I just some object for you to dote on? I know you do so much for me. There has never been a day I haven’t felt grateful for your presence…”

“I don’t want your gratitude!”

Lisa’s shout rang once before being absorbed by the walls. There was silence, only interrupted by a sniffle as Lisa tried to hold back her tears.

“What do you want me to do then, Yukina? The things I like, you do not. The things you like, I do not. If we just let it be, we’d drift apart. I don’t want that.”

Yukina felt warmth building behind her eyes too. She looked away to gather herself.

“We don’t have to do everything together. Just knowing that you are here for me is enough. The times I am weak, the times I am lost, having you by my side gives me courage to defeat my fears…”

“But it is not enough for me. I don’t want to just be a pillar for you to lean on. I want to be the one closest to your heart. That is why I picked up the bass again. I know music is the language you speak, so I am trying so hard to understand it. Why can’t you just leave me be?”

“Music only has meaning when you enjoy it! You are the one who reminded me of this – why have you forgotten it yourself?”

“And how do you know I am not enjoying this? Just because I made a little stupid mistake and played with a busted finger this once and you are going to claim that I am somehow forcing myself…”

“You are! You have been forcing yourself for quite some time now. Do you think I am blind? If you are not playing for your own sake, then you should not be playing at all!”

“That’s not fair! That’s so not fair! You go on practising happily with Sayo all the time without digging into her reasons. Face it, you enjoy practising with her and not me. You are just making up excuses to get me to stop.”

“Why are you bringing Sayo into this?”

“Because I just want you to face me the same way you face her! I want you to give me the same genuine smile that you give her, not the one that’s like saying you are so thankful towards me or whatever, but the one that says you are actually happy. I don’t want our practice sessions to be just you lecturing me like a teacher. I want you to discuss your music with me…”

“You are not Sayo. You wouldn’t criticize my voice. You wouldn’t analyze my compositions.”

“I can learn…”

“But what’s the point if that isn’t even something you are truly interested in?”

“I said already. You don’t get to decide what I want to do with my life!”

“You are just deluding yourself and you know it!”

“Deluding myself?” Lisa said bitterly. She moved closer to Yukina, backed her against the wall. “You don’t understand. You don’t understand anything. But that’s okay. I will show you. I will show you why this isn’t a delusion at all…”

Lisa leaned in. Yukina’s heart was pounding, but the blood had drained from her face. There was a sick feeling in her stomach.

This was wrong. This was all wrong. This was not what she wanted.

“Stop…” she muttered weakly. “Please stop, Lisa.”

A tear streaked down Yukina’s face just as Lisa was about to touch her. It made Lisa pause her actions. Stiffly, she moved back. She stopped when her feet reached the mic stand behind her and just stood there dumbly.

“I…I am sorry, Yukina. I didn’t mean to hurt you…”

She was not hurt. She could never be hurt by Lisa. Lisa was her most trusted friend. She would not object to anything Lisa chose to do with her, if it was truly something that would make Lisa happy.

But for all the times Yukina thought she didn’t know what Lisa wanted, this time she had a clear intuition that what Lisa had been about to do wouldn’t truly satiate her. The thing that Lisa desired was what Yukina could not give. It was not something in Yukina’s possession.

That was why Lisa had to stop. If she hadn’t, the precious bond they currently had would be broken.

“I am fine, Lisa. Everything is okay.”

“Yeah…let’s just pretend nothing happened, shall we?” Lisa said.

Yukina knew she shouldn’t nod. There was no way to pretend not knowing when you already know. It was a lie. A foundation of paper that would crumble under the weight of anything you tried to build upon it. But Yukina couldn’t stop her own selfish wish to keep things the way they were, even if Lisa had wanted those very things to change. She had no obligation to accept the changes Lisa wanted, of course, but she didn’t even give Lisa the chance to be rejected, the chance to move onto whatever new direction she would then choose. She forced Lisa to walk backwards just because Yukina, herself, couldn’t face a future of possibly losing her.

She accepted Lisa’s proposal anyway. She could not sleep knowing what she had done. The feelings in her chest were bitter. She hated bitter things. If she had known “understanding” would be so painful, she would rather remain ignorant. She would rather not walk her own path, instead keep following mindlessly after her father’s old road. It would be wrong, but she too couldn’t always face the harsh reality. Maybe the male lead of that tragic romance film wasn’t so different from Yukina after all. He might not have wanted to cry but couldn’t help that he was weak.

Lisa was right. Knowing something was impossible didn’t always stop your desire for it.

 _I am the worst_ – Yukina thought. The thought did not leave her, following her into her dreams.

The song she had been composing laid unfinished another night.

She buried herself in work thereafter. Lisa would usually stop her, but she didn’t this time, also practising her instrument frantically. Yukina poured all she had into the new song she started after giving up on _Sanctuary_. She poured her madness, she poured her guilt. She heard the sounds in her head, but when she tried to reproduce them in the real world, they sounded strange. The guitar riffs sounded especially hollow. It was loud and angry but lacked depth and power. It sounded almost lonely.

Sayo. Times like these she would ask her trusted guitarist for advice. Sayo always seemed to know the exact sound Yukina was going for. But Yukina had hardly talked to Sayo the past week. It made her hesitate to seek her help.

No, it shouldn’t matter. It was fine that Sayo no longer wanted to connect with Yukina beyond Roselia – that was just the nature of their relationship and Yukina did not need anything more. Maybe she had come to the wrong conclusion that she needed to understand Lisa and Sayo and the others to advance their music. The whole contemplation of “love” was fruitless, if not even harmful. She should’ve just stuck to what she knew best instead of trying to experiment with feelings that she couldn’t fully comprehend.

She would ask Sayo’s advice as a band member. That was all.

“I have been working on a guitar verse, but it sounds satisfactory at best. I think it is missing something. Can I get your opinion on it after practice?”

Yukina sought Sayo’s attention the next day. It was a plain request. There was no reason for it to be denied.

“I would be more than willing to help, Minato-san.”

“Good. Then let’s head to my place after we’re done here.”

It was all as Yukina had expected until Sayo paused before saying…

“Would Imai-san be coming too?”

Why?

Why did it matter?

It had never mattered before, why should it now?

“I am asking for your opinion. This has nothing to do with Lisa.”

“…that is not what I meant…”

“Have you been avoiding me, Sayo?”

No. Stop. Yukina didn’t like her own voice. She didn’t like how it was coloured with an anger that she was not entitled to have. She had decided to go back to the old, ignorant her, as impossible as that might be. She could not drop her conviction here.

She did not care for Sayo’s answer. “Whatever,” Yukina said, “Keep doing what you want. It’s not as though it matters anyway.”

The other song lay uncompleted, just scattered papers on her desk mixed with those chunks of lyrics from _Sanctuary_ that no longer held any meaning to her.

She would focus on singing. An important live was coming up; there was no time to waste on such frivolous worries. If she sang their old songs enough times, her old feelings were bound to resurface. She would find herself again. Maybe her solution after their failure at the SMS event had not been completely wrong – her approach had just been too extreme. Last time, she had forced the others to rediscover their old feelings too, so they could together perform their old songs with the same passion as before. This time, she would not force the others - she would just force herself. She was the one who felt that she had not progressed enough to warrant a new voice for her feelings. It was fine if they did not feel the same way. Roselia’s music had always not been about unity in an absolute sense, but each member expressing their own desires. Their oneness was a mosaic and hinged only upon a common goal. They could move forward without holding each other’s hands.

They practised and practised until there was not a single flaw to pick on. Ako had been a little stressed out at first but rebounded when Lisa offered to practise with her alone. Lisa’s skills had improved at an alarming rate. Yukina didn’t know if she had to take back what she had said about Lisa’s musical devotion as a delusion – Lisa’s sound had been passionate lately, but it was a passion that burnt so hot that it hurt to bear its witness. Clearly, music meant more to Lisa than Yukina had initially thought, but its meaning to Lisa was something Yukina couldn’t fully comprehend nor did she have the right to ask about anymore.

The clock winded down and took them to the day of their live. “We have practised hard. Believe in the fruits of our labour,” Yukina said to the others before they filed onto the stage. It was as much to convince them as it was to convince herself.

It was dark where they stood. _Neo Aspect_ sounded in the background with Rinko’s keyboard and Sayo’s guitar, the former a soft sound that was gaining prominence, the latter hard and impersonal with cold precision. Yukina’s own voice started out quiet and hesitant. _“Believe me this is the right way”_ – a statement that used to be so certain, today an unsure whisper. Ako’s drums hit with far more confidence; Lisa’s bass low cries of unvoiced turmoil. They played the same song but were expressing entirely different concepts.

_Once more we connect our hands…_

The line sounded so ironic when it escaped Yukina’s lips. As the chorus approached, the floodlights turned on and they were bathed in brightness, only for their shadows to fall, dark and lonely. It was so bright that Yukina’s view became white. Her only refuge was what lay far beyond the stage, a distant dream from childhood, the thing she clung onto because it was the only thing she could understand. _“Bewitch them with this new form”_ – she sang in a lamenting shout. The imbalance in the instrumentals only served to highlight her loss. The audience was not being bewitched by their new courage, but by their desperation to chase the impossible.

They did it. Their live turned out to be a success, but Yukina couldn’t be happy with it. When they retreated backstage, Yukina just gave a brief “Good work. We will discuss our performance further tomorrow during practice” before moving to change herself. She had no energy left to celebrate nor reflect.

She re-emerged from the changing room earlier than everybody else, wanting just to go home to a warm bath and a warm bed. But someone called her name as she strolled down the halls. She turned to find a familiar face.

“Yukina-chan, it has been a while.”

Kawakami Ichirou was Yukina’s father’s former bandmate, now working behind the scenes for a record label that was also one of Future World Fes’ prominent sponsors. So, it was true that he frequented this particular live house. Yukina had a suspicion that she would run into him tonight, thus why she had instructed the band to take tonight’s performance especially seriously. Still, every performance was important in Yukina’s eyes. This was just one of many.

“Ichirou-ojisan, good day to you too.”

They exchanged greetings and some words on Roselia’s performance tonight. Yukina found some comfort from Kawakami’s high regards, trying to find reassurance in his words that the path she had chosen was not entirely incorrect. Sayo - the last to come out of the change room - later joined the conversation as it steered towards Yukina’s musical inspiration.

“My father’s and your work has been my inspiration. I was deeply touched when I first heard you perform, and it has become my motivation to use this sound to speak to my father in hopes that he would play again one day.”

Why else would Yukina be continuing this stint? The path ahead had crumbled. She could only fall backwards.

“That’s a noble goal, but I really don’t think Ryuunosuke will play again.”

 _No. Do not say that._ Yukina wanted to close her ears to Kawakami’s words, but she couldn’t. She had to know…

“Why?”

“Ryuunosuke quit because his ideas ran dry. He couldn’t compose music anymore, so…”

“It was because of the agency that forced him into incorporating nonsensical elements to his music in hopes it’d sell better! It ruined his chances at the Fes…it ruined him…”

She knew she was being stupid. Somewhere in her heart, she knew Kawakami was speaking the truth, because what her father had once experienced was already hitting her too.

Yukina couldn’t compose music anymore.

She hadn’t let anyone know yet, not even Sayo who was standing beside her now. She couldn’t let anyone know because if she did, they would have no use for her anymore.

Even if they could not move forward hand in hand, she had wished they could at least move forward side by side. At some point, she had already given up being a lone-wolf songstress. She couldn’t go back anymore.

 _“…_ _I can tell you this much: humans change. Humans grow. Music is the language of our hearts. If our music cannot grow with our changing hearts, then it will fail us. Even if you try to cling onto feelings from the past, the music that is composed as a result will only become stale. Your sound right now is wonderful, Yukina-chan, but one day it will not be enough.”_

Kawakami’s answer wouldn’t stop ringing in Yukina’s head long after they had been spoken. Yukina had cancelled Roselia’s next practice. She was too lost to give the other members guidance – holding a group practice now would just be a waste of time.

It had been a long day at school. Lisa had been busy at the dance club, or she had just been avoiding Yukina as of late. Yukina had scarfed down her lunch alone, then borrowed the music room’s key from their teacher so she could run through some mindless warm-up exercises on her guitar. She used to play more as a child, but after focusing on singing it had become more a tool for composition than an instrument she played for leisure. She remembered the way her father played, the way he taught her. This had been his love and passion, but at some point, he had let go of it. Yukina had never asked him how he had felt about giving up music. She had witnessed his frustration, his avoidance, and later this sort of helpless acceptance. She had assumed he still retained his initial pain from the loss, but last time when he supported her choice to cover _Louder_ , he did not seem unhappy.

These thoughts led her to stray outside her father’s office after she returned home from school. After quitting his musical career, Yukina’s father had taken up a job as a programmer. It was not unusual to find him working at home.

She hesitated to disturb him, but he noticed her presence and called for her.

“Yukina, do you want to talk?”

Her father came out of his office and gave her head a hard rub as if she were still his five-year-old daughter. He led the way into the kitchen where he grabbed them both a coffee, his black while hers loaded with four cubes of sugar.

“So, is this about what Ichirou said to you?” He cut right into the conversation. When Yukina showed him a confused gaze, he continued. “Ichirou told me about it. Said I should probably chat with you at some point. He’s right. I’m sorry you had to wait this long to hear it from me directly.”

“Father…did you really quit music because you couldn’t compose anymore?”

He seemed unfazed by the question. He just smiled.

“Yes.”

“…but was it hard? Was it hard for you to give up?”

“It was. People don’t give enough credit to the act of giving up. It can be just as hard as continuing; maybe even harder.”

“Then why?” Yukina’s voice broke as the frustration of incomprehension flooded her. “Why did you quit when it wasn’t what you nor anybody else wanted?”

“Because I knew my limitation and concluded that the effort to surpass it was not worth the time I could spend doing something else.” He moved forward to take Yukina into his arms. “I have you and your mother. I have a family and the responsibility to support it. I want to spend time with you instead; that is what I want in life. There is more than one path you can take, and every day you make a conscious decision of which path to follow to tomorrow. Instead of music I chose my family – neither path is lesser than the other. What is important is that you walk ahead without regrets.”

“But…but how do you know you wouldn’t regret it in the end?” Yukina felt like a child again against her father’s bosom. Where no one could see her, she let the tears fall. She clung harder to him. “I…I do not know how to choose! I can’t see what is ahead on any path; I’m scared!”

“It is okay,” he said, stroking her hair. “It is okay to be afraid. Overcoming this fear is a learning experience in itself. There will be times when you fall. There will be times when you are lost and walk in circles back to where you started. But as long as you keep walking, you will make progress one day. That is how you live. When you make mistakes, own up to them, learn from them. When you succeed, know what worked and keep doing it, know who supported you and give them your gratitude. Whatever path you choose, there will be smooth stretches and bumpy stretches. But you will never be alone, because…” He held her forward to stroke her tear-streaked face. “Because I will be with you. You are my daughter. My most precious. I will never abandon you, do you understand?”

She nodded slowly. He grinned and gave her head one last pat. “Go on and think over the path you want to take then, Yukina. Whatever it is, I will support you.”

Yukina lay down on her bed and stared at the ceiling above. She had never considered the possibility of quitting Roselia. It had always seemed cowardly, but now that she treated it as an equal path, it opened a new perspective. If this were her limitation, was it worth trying to push past it - could she ever push past it and how? Did she want to give up on music? No. She was certain of at least that. Then if she could no longer compose, should she pursue a solo career singing what others composed for her? Or if Roselia were to continue, should she hand off the job of composition to another member, like Sayo or Rinko for instance? Would she be able to give voice to other people’s visions? She wasn’t sure, but she filed it to the back of her mind as something she would at least be willing to try. Back to her problem of being unable to compose – what stopped her progress on songs like _Sanctuary_? It used to be that she could not articulate her new feelings and that of her band members because she didn’t understand them. Now, she knew she was starting to come to an understanding, but that understanding frightened her.

Afraid others would not accept her. Afraid they would desert her. Afraid the intersection of their dreams was transient, and one day this bond would dissolve as they part in separate ways.

She stared at the scars on her hand, the callused fingertips from years of playing. She clasped those fingers into a fist. There was no need to fear what she had no control over. Whether others wanted to keep following her was their choice – her only responsibility was to hear out that choice.

“Sayo.”

She thought about her first band member, the one whose thoughts so greatly resembled her own. Their mutual companionship was not one of passionate intimacy, but of simple trust and understanding. She wanted to know what Sayo thought about her weakness. She wanted to affirm that Sayo was still willing to walk with her, as imperfect as she was now and would be from hereon forward.

Yukina bounded off her bed and ran out of the house, her mother calling behind her.

“Where are you heading? Dinner is almost ready!”

“A friend’s house. I’ll be back soon.”

She pounded down the streets, only realizing halfway that she had yet to change out of her embarrassing cat slippers. It was too late now. She was not athletic and most definitely had not the stamina to return home to change into proper shoes before running all the way here again. Thank goodness she was still in her school uniform and not pajamas. Her heart beat hard against her chest, her breaths heavy from exertion. She usually hated the feeling, but now she relished in the pain that signalled her approaching goal. The clear vision ahead was beautiful. She welcomed the darkness of the night sky. She could not see what lay in the distance, but the fact that she was moving towards it was enough.

She finally arrived at the modest home, crouched over, panting for oxygen. This was the hardest she had ever run; sweat poured down her face and formed drops that fell from her chin to the cement below. She gathered herself, wiping off the sweat with her sleeve. It took a couple minutes before she could breathe normally, after which she made a final confirmation with herself before stepping forward to ring the doorbell.

“Ah, it’s Yukina-chan.” Hina was the one to answer it. She looked her top to bottom and paused at her slippers, dumbfounded. At this point, an older female voice sounded inside the house.

“Hina, who is it?”

“Oneechan’s friend.”

“Oh?” The woman - Hina and Sayo’s mother - walked over to the doorway. “Ah, Minato-san, it has been a while. Welcome. Are you looking for Sayo?”

She nodded, becoming very self-conscious of the emptiness in her hands. “I am very sorry for the intrusion and I apologize for my rude visit. I…have something rather urgent to discuss with Sayo in-person.”

“Do not worry about it. Please follow me upstairs.”

She was now outside Sayo’s bedroom. She would be lying if she said she wasn’t nervous. Her uniform coat felt more constricted than usual, her palms sticky with sweat. She knew Sayo had been avoiding her the past while and it made her doubt whether Sayo even wanted to see her. But she decided to trust in their bond. Whatever was the cause of the awkwardness that currently hung between them, she knew Sayo could look past it to at least hear her out. Whether they would agree was another matter, but “agreement” was not what she was looking for. She was here to explain, and to listen in return.

“Mi…Minato-san…?”

Sayo looked shocked at her presence, but when Yukina explained that she wanted to talk, she did invite Yukina into her room. They sat in a stifling silence for a few moments before Yukina gathered the courage to start.

“I guess you already know what I want to discuss right, Sayo?”

Sayo seemed hesitant. “Is this about the matter from yesterday’s live?”

“Indeed.”

“Have you already spoken to Imai-san about this?”

“No.”

“Then…why me? Because I was present when Kawakami-san was speaking to you?”

“Because you are my first band member, and I care about what you think.”

Sayo stared silently at her for a second. Yukina met the gaze with nothing to hide. This was exactly how she felt, so she said it as it was. As though accepting her sincerity, Sayo softened her expression.

“Then…what is it exactly that you want to tell me, Minato-san?”

She told Sayo of her wavering. She told Sayo of her insecurities. The obstacle ahead that blocked her advance, the path behind that had fallen apart as she tried to turn back. She became emotional as she talked about her fears – how she was scared she would be like her father, leading them to nothing but failure. She bared herself and waited for Sayo to pass the verdict. Was the real Minato Yukina - the one not made of pure talent and conviction – worthy of Sayo’s continued devotion?

Sayo reached forward to hold Yukina’s hand. Yukina’s tears stopped when she saw the warmth reflected in Sayo’s eyes.

“If you cannot find a new sound that reflects the current you, then leave it to us. Show us who you are, we will find that sound with you, together. I won’t say we will succeed for sure, but even if we fail, even if all this may end eventually, we will never lose memories of having tried. That alone is enough for me. I promise I will never regret having been by your side.”

Yukina thanked Sayo. “Thank you” was so inadequate to describe the confidence she found in Sayo’s words. There were times in her childhood when she blamed herself for her father’s failure and subsequent misery. Her father had once told her he sang for her – when he stopped singing, she couldn’t help but wonder if she was no longer worthy of his voice. Was she not good enough to be his motivation? This had propelled Yukina to work harder than ever to become a perfect version of herself in desperate hopes that he would then return to the old him too. Even after she had found her own place in Roselia, she had subconsciously maintained that mentality – that she had to be the best else others would abandon her. There was no way to articulate the comfort, the calmness, the hope Sayo had given her with such a simple remark. It would be okay if they failed. It would be okay if they parted. This moment they shared now would not be broken by what the future might throw at them.

Walk as far as they could go together. This sentiment was all she needed.

By the time she reached home, it was well past dinnertime. She paused at her own doorstep though, gazing instead towards Lisa’s house beside hers. Last they spoke in earnest, things had gone so wrong. Raw emotions boiled, and neither were truly listening to the other. She could not leave things the way they were. For Roselia to continue, she didn’t just need Sayo. She needed Lisa too. And it wasn’t even just that. Lisa was her best friend and no matter what became of their relationship, she decided she would not stop cherishing the memories they shared together. She needed to let Lisa know this.

She rang the doorbell and Lisa answered. They came face to face, nothing could stop the confrontation any longer.

“Lisa, I want to talk about what happened that day.”

Lisa looked away, clearly conflicted. “I thought we already decided to pretend it never happened…”

“I can’t. I know I promised, but I can’t do it – I am sorry, but I must take it back.”

“No. Yukina. Please…just stop…”

“I will not. I want you to listen to what I have to say. In turn, I will listen to anything you say after that. You can yell at me, you can tell me to leave. I will listen.”

Lisa fell silent. She closed her eyes for a moment, then she heaved a sigh. “Fine. Say it. I am prepared.”

Yukina let the words slip. She tried not to sound rude, but she did not sugarcoat either. “Before that day, I had not realized your feelings. But what happened let me know that they weren’t as simple as I had thought – you were in love with me in a romantic way. I now understand this, so I will give you my answer.”

Lisa hardly moved, giving only a nod so slight that one might not even notice. Yukina recognized it though, and with it as her cue, she bowed down.

“I cannot return your feelings. I am sorry.”

Bitter chuckles sounded from Lisa’s lips. “As I thought…do I at least get to know why?”

Yukina looked up to Lisa to try and convey her feelings. “I do not know if I have a reasonable answer for that. It is more a vague…impression, really. I do not think what we want in life is the same. I cannot envision myself in an intimacy with you beyond what we currently have. It does not mean I do not appreciate you as a friend. You said that you do not want my gratitude. I can understand that. But what I have for you is not just gratitude – I cherish every moment I spend with you, even if you might think I was bored or annoyed. We might not share the same interests and passions, but it didn’t stop me from being happy when we were together.”

“I see…”

Yukina did not know the kind of emotions Lisa was going through now. They couldn’t be pleasant, and it hurt her to know she was the one who caused them. Just as Lisa had wanted to bring back Yukina’s smile, Yukina wanted the same for Lisa. She held her fists, drawing upon her own conviction. She would push down her own selfishness to end this once and for all. Lisa deserved at least that much.

“If we can, I would wish to continue our friendship. But I also understand that you had wanted this relationship to change, so if it is your choice to leave me instead, I will accept your decision. No matter what your choice is, it will not change my feelings for you. I will not be angry. I will not hate you. I will always remember you as my best childhood friend, and if there ever were a day you need me, I would not hesitate to lend you a hand.”

“Alright. I understand.”

Lisa crossed the distance between them and took Yukina in her arms.

“I…I don’t think I can make a decision right now. I don’t know if I can really keep walking with you while shoving these feelings back into my heart. But…I, too, cherish the time we had together. Maybe we view the memories differently, to you as a platonic friendship, to me as my first love. Still…no matter what happens, let’s not forget them, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Then…would you wait for my answer? Would you let me stay for now, with no guarantees I wouldn’t choose to leave soon?”

“Stay however long you want. Take all the time you need, Lisa. I will wait for you.”

Roselia returned to practice the week after. Yukina had explained her struggles, but it did not change their support for her. Many things didn’t seem to have changed – Lisa still offered cookies, Ako still gave crazy suggestions for how to recover Yukina’s musical inspiration, with Rinko finishing the demon-lord-referencing sentences for her while offering a comprehensible translation. But Yukina knew it was not true. They have all changed, maybe most of all herself. It might not appear on the surface, but as she watched them go about their routines, she felt as though she was watching with a different pair of eyes. Questions she had never asked started emerging. Did Lisa enjoy the music she was making now? Did it mean something to her personally, rather than just something she practised for Yukina’s sake? Was Sayo satisfied with her own progress today? Did she find her sound yet? Did Yukina’s voice guide her, the same way Sayo’s sound had guided Yukina?

As those questions answered themselves, more questions came. Because people kept changing, there was no way Yukina could understand them fully, ever. Understanding was an ongoing process, but it was not a chore, it was something that made human interactions so rewarding. Interaction upon interaction piled atop each other, time moved, days gone by taking them to their next live performance. The opening lines of _Oneness_ sounded around Yukina. She had her back to the audience and was a little glad for it, for she was holding back a silly grin when she recalled Ako’s suggestion for “fanservice” on stage.

 _Oneness. Be all one._  
_Oneness. Be all one._  
_Oneness. Be all one._  
_Oneness._  
_Together we go towards the end._  
_Put it all on the line. Embrace your resolve!_

She turned and sang to her heart’s content. When Yukina was composing _Sanctuary_ , she had been stuck on finding new words for her new emotions. But that wasn’t quite right. The words in her father’s songs hadn’t belonged to him – words were common to all who spoke the language; it was how those words were used to convey differing meanings that mattered. Yukina had thought she had borrowed words from her father to write their old songs like _Oneness_. It turned out that those had been her own words from the very beginning, and how she sang them expressed her changing feelings to the concepts depicted. It used to be that oneness only meant a common goal. Then she came to think of oneness as a permanent unity. Now, she thought of it as the present. This very stage they stood on was their oneness. Their winding paths had taken them here, from here their paths might continue together or diverge. That did not matter. She enjoyed this very moment, playing this very music that belonged solely to them. Nothing could take away her memory of this joy. It was the unchangeable. The fragile glass ball Lisa used as a metaphor, turned to steel by their wills. This stage might appear fleeting, but its impact would last forever.

The first phrase took Yukina to Lisa’s side of the stage. The sound of her bass had changed. It was smooth and soft, a rhythm that tried to set its own pace. Yukina sang louder into the mic to help guide Lisa’s tempo. As though thanking her, Lisa turned her back against Yukina’s and they kept like this, leaning on each other for the rest of the phrase. This was Ako’s “fanservice” suggestion, though to Yukina, it was more a service to herself. These gestures felt right. They exemplified the emotions she tried to convey in her song.

The chorus took her back to center stage. Now she was singing to the crowd. She thanked them for listening to her immature voice. She thanked them for trying to understand. Their cheers motivated her to do better. She wanted to continue singing for herself, for her friends, and for them.

At the second phrase she crossed the stage to Sayo’s side. She sang while looking into Sayo’s eyes. This was her gratitude. Not just that. There was something more that made her heart pound while they came closer.

Yukina wrapped an arm around Sayo’s shoulders, drawing close to relish in Sayo’s warmth. She remembered how Sayo had held her hand last time when she comforted her. It was a feeling she could not forget. She wanted to feel it again.

 _Emotions that sink to the depths (go away)_  
_Vague echoes of regret (go away)_  
_Those silent voices underfoot trying to take you away (go away)_  
_Drive them off completely. Eternal affection (I’ll go)_

The phrase was ending, and she had to let go. She briefly contemplated staying through the chorus, but she inwardly slapped herself for the stupid thought. She made one last gaze before finally turning away. Sayo’s face had been tinged pink from the passion; it made heat rise to Yukina’s cheeks too.

The rest of the performance flew by. It must be testament to how much she had been enjoying herself. Yukina was usually so exhausted after a live that she would bathe and sleep right away after she headed home. But tonight, the residual feelings from the performance wouldn’t leave her, and she found herself at her desk with the incomplete lyrics of Sanctuary lying before her again. She uncapped a pen and wrote the first words that came to her.

_Dearest, you are my dearest._

She stared at it with a sort of disbelief, almost wanting to check an English dictionary just in case she had misremembered the meaning of the words. There was a funny feeling in her stomach. It was not entirely unpleasant, just…weird.

“I’m sleeping.” She announced to herself while flopping onto her bed, pulling the covers way too high so that she almost disappeared under the fabric. Her room door had been closed and the curtains drawn, but somehow…somehow she felt like somebody might see her like this, and she’d die if they did.

The following days saw her thinking and thinking over these strange new sensations in her heart. She barely managed to pull herself together during practice, caught between the desire to stare at Sayo and the conscious effort of pulling away.

“Yukina-san, Yukina-san! Are you listening?”

Ah. Ako was talking to her. She turned back to face the young drummer, who was now pouting in frustration.

“Why did you keep on looking at Sayo-san today? Ako wants you to look more at her too!”

“Ako-chan, I don’t think that’s reasonable…” Rinko answered for Yukina. When she exchanged gazes with Yukina, she turned away with an awkward smile. It made Yukina feel compelled to explain herself.

But what should she say? She, herself, didn’t have an answer for her own behaviour!

“Sayo has done a lot for me lately. I was just…uhh…thinking of whether there is something I could get for her in thanks…seeing as Christmas is approaching and all.”

Her reply sounded so strange that she felt embarrassed listening to herself. Rinko nodded a little robotically, her lips curled in a tight, artificial way.

“Umm…I think Hikawa-san would appreciate anything you get her anyway…but…good luck!”

Rinko grabbed Ako by the hand and towed her along as she literally escaped from the studio, leaving Yukina dazed at her reaction.

Yukina went out shopping that weekend. She did say she would get Sayo a present, even if it were just a last-minute explanation she came up with on the spot. And it was not a lie that she appreciated Sayo’s help. Problem was, she didn’t know what exactly would Sayo want as a gift.

Seeing as they were so similar, Yukina understood that Sayo would be pleased with anything practical. Extra picks, guitar strings, reference books… If those seemed too impersonal, then anything with a dog on it would probably be satisfactory too. This should be an easy task, but after wasting two hours at the shopping mall, Yukina had yet to find the perfect gift. Everything she came across felt too…obvious. At some point, she had subconsciously decided that her gift should be something unique, something that reflected her feelings for the other girl.

She paused in front of an accessories shop. She could not count the number of times she had declined Lisa’s requests to shop here. Yukina was not big on accessories; aside a select few pieces she wore regularly to make herself “less boring” as her mother insisted, she rarely wore these things. She tried to think about what Sayo wore. There were a couple necklaces she put on occasionally during their off-days, but nothing spectacular. Sayo was a modest person. Even her taste in accessories leaned towards the plain and simple.

The piece she saw on display was a faceted amethyst set on a silver chain. It did not look overly formal or pricey but was intricate enough that it did not look like a toy either. The shopkeeper came to greet her.

“Are you interested in this necklace? I think the colour really suits you, Young Lady.”

The colour was a pale violet, leaning towards lavender. It was the same colour Rinko used to represent Yukina in their costume designs.

“I…”

“What is it?”

“I would like to buy it.”

Yukina did not like to be indecisive, but that usually didn’t mean she would jump to rash decisions. This time, she regretted. She had spent most of her allowance on the necklace, only to stare at it stupidly from where it now sat on her desk. It was one thing if she were buying this for herself, but for Sayo? Just the thought of Sayo wearing it made her cheeks hot.

It was just a colour. She did not own the colour. Sayo might not even notice. She was just as entitled to wear a lavender amethyst necklace than Yukina was…

She closed the case with a loud snap. Who was she even kidding!? There was no way she could gift this. Even if Sayo didn’t notice, she would!

She threw herself onto her bed and drew the covers over her head again. She had been doing this a lot lately – all the fault of those weird, almost possessive thoughts that had been intruding her mind. When did this even start? When Sayo…held her hand? No, probably before that. Come to think of it, hadn’t she been frustrated a while back just because Sayo had ignored her for maybe two weeks at best. What was wrong with her!?

“I’m sleeping.” She announced to herself again for the seventh night in a row.

The day was cold. Freezing even. Yukina came into the studio wrapped in a heavy coat and a scarf that covered half her face. They had canceled practice that day because Lisa had to fill in for a shift at the convenience store, and both Ako and Rinko had an “emergency” to tend to, which she later learned from Sayo was a time-limited quest on their favourite online game. She sighed. Lisa’s excuse was satisfactory, but Ako and Rinko’s was…Whatever. They could use a break once in a while. But since they had already booked the room, Yukina came in anyway to practise on her own.

Right after she removed her coat and scarf and was about to set up the mic, the door opened, and in came Sayo, similarly wrapped like a giant temaki roll in those heavy winter layers.

“Ah, Minato-san. Good afternoon. I had not expected you to come in for practice.”

“I suppose we are like minds then. Want to practise together?”

“If it does not bother you, I would be happy to accept.”

They ran through their warm-up regimen and worked through their setlist. Yukina gave Sayo her critique on her performance, while Sayo also offered suggestions in turn. The hours went by without either noticing the time that had passed. It was until Marina-san came by to tell them their time was up that they finally looked at the clock and was shocked that it was already almost dinnertime.

They almost laughed at their own idiocy.

“I am sorry to admit that I am not a very observant person when it comes to anything other than music,” Yukina said with a smile.

“You mean to say that behind your talented songstress persona, you are just a clutz, Minato-san?”

That might be the first time Yukina had ever heard Sayo say something so rude, but she couldn’t get herself to be angry. She took it with a grin.

“You did not notice the time either, _Hikawa_ -san.”

“Speaking of the time…”

The same thought must have pierced through both their minds.

“X-Japan.”

“New album.”

They grabbed their belongings and slung on their scarves at record speed. They all but shoved the keys in Marina-san’s hands on their way out, with Yukina running in the wrong direction.

“I pre-ordered it at Edogawa and was going to pick it up after the lines died down a bit…”

“We both pre-ordered it, obviously. And Edogawa is this way! Have I ever told you that you have a horrible sense of direction, Minato-san?”

Sayo must not be thinking, because she grabbed Yukina’s hand and just ran. Yukina followed her dumbly down the narrow streets, her lungs burning from the cold air that she was gasping. Her heart was beating fast and hard. She didn’t know if it were from the physical activity or something more. But whatever it was, it made her smile. She narrowed her eyes when that smile grew wider, brighter. She returned Sayo’s grasp, holding the hand like she would never let go.

The managed to arrive before the store closed. They laughed outside the store with records in hand.

“We…we made it…” Sayo managed to say, still panting for breath. Yukina took even longer to recover. Her hands were on her knees. She almost wanted to squat and would’ve done it if not for the fact that they were out on a busy road.

“I…thought…I…would…die.”

Yukina was about to drop if Sayo hadn’t taken her hand, pulled her up with it, and slung her arm over her shoulder.

“So? Want me to help you get home without collapsing?”

Yukina just hung on limply. “I don’t have the energy to refuse.”

They started down the path home. The town center fell behind them, the road ahead growing quiet with only the sunset as company. As Yukina recovered her strength, her arm slipped from Sayo’s shoulder to Sayo’s side. They found their hands entwined. It happened so naturally that they hadn’t even noticed until they were outside Yukina’s home.

“Um…so we’re here,” Sayo said, slowly letting go of Yukina’s hand.

“If you’d like…do you want to come in for a bit? To…err…listen to the album together?” Yukina slowly offered, her voice softer than usual. Hearing it herself made her feel like her insides were flipping and getting tangled into awkward knots.

“If you’d pardon my intrusion, then…”

Sayo nodded.

They found themselves in Yukina’s room. Yukina handed Sayo a cup of hot honey tea; she then sat down with her own cup, bringing it up for a sip. Sayo put the CD into Yukina’s stereo and played it, the harsh sounds of rock music filling the room. It was strange, really. To some, the music might sound loud and angry, but Yukina found a gentleness in it, a sort of genuine appreciation for the world around them. _Born to be free, nobody can steal our life away…Born to be free. I want to be free. We’ll be forever free to love…_

“Ah, it’s snowing,” Sayo said, pointing outside. Indeed, the small flakes had started to fall, white against the fading pinks and golds of evening. The sight made Yukina’s heart calm. She leaned into Sayo’s shoulder that she had been touching. Sayo moved closer so Yukina’s head could rest on it.

“I like it when it snows. The air is crisp and the snow itself so soft and calming,” Yukina said.

“And when you are indoors, warm and comfortable, you realize how very fortunate you are to be borne to such luxury. All those worries you usually have seem so trivial in hindsight,” Sayo answered.

“Un. We do think alike, don’t we?”

Sayo’s hand fell atop Yukina’s. Yukina looked up to find Sayo’s face close to hers. There was some hesitation in Sayo’s expression. They were close enough that Yukina should be able to feel Sayo’s breath, but it was inexistent – Sayo holding it briefly. Sayo’s lips finally parted as she moved her fingers between Yukina’s.

“I was wondering if you also share these feelings of mine?”

Sayo moved forward slowly. Yukina closed her eyes. Their lips met for just a light touch, then Yukina reached up to cup Sayo’s cheek with her free hand, Sayo held her tighter by wrapping her other arm around her. Both knew little what they were doing, but they knew what they both desired. Closer, deeper…they wanted to seal their bond tighter, so this could last longer.

Yukina didn’t really know what this feeling was, but now was not the time to think too hard about it. The last thought before she let her mind fall blank was that maybe…maybe one day, she’d be able to gift that amethyst necklace to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hesitated putting this chapter up for a while. I can't say I'm completely satisfied with it. Yukina's POV is very difficult to write in, and I'm not sure if I managed to capture her voice at all. It is especially difficult to simultaneously explore a growth of her character in this limited POV. The pacing was challenging to maintain as well; due to Yukina's initially poor understanding of the others and her often inaccurate assessments of both others and herself, the first part of the narrative moved forward relatively slowly. As Yukina's understanding became more pronounced, the narrative also became more straightforward and might have sounded a little rushed. Anyway, there isn't much else I can do about this at my current level of skill, so oh well...I decided to post this anyway. I'm looking forward to writing Lisa's POV in the next chapter, because her actions definitely deserve some explanation, especially when the POV of this chapter was so inaccurate in assessing what really was going through Lisa's mind. Her part of the story also needs a (happy) conclusion.
> 
> PS - I think X-Japan has yet to release their promised album. One can always dream though...


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